Attempts At Charming
by Amenan
Summary: Stan likes Kyle. Good news, Kyle's single. Bad news, Cartman insists on helping them get together. Will Cartman's totally out of character acts of random kindness pay off for Stan? Or will he be stuck Kyle-less until the end of highschool?
1. The Best Place To Start

"Excuse me dear, but do you know what you want?"

Stan Marsh stood at the front of the cafeteria line confused. He was snapped out of his reverie by the cafeteria lady's voice; he was about to answer her question with a name, until he realized. _Oh._

She meant what I want to _eat._

"Uh, I'll have fishsticks and fries please."

The cafeteria lady (Her name was Georgiana he found out last year at a PTA meeting) smiled happily as she piled the food onto his plate. Stan took the opportunity to observe. Georgiana wasn't all that bad looking to be a Mom. She had bright red hair tied up in a bun but you could still tell it would be flowing if she had it down. Her complexion was nice too, fair and even. Her figure was never a point of concern since Georgiana was about 5"9 and as fit as a Supermodel during fashion week. He wondered why she chose South Park of all places to live, raise a family and even work. She could be doing shows in New York right now, modeling for all the biggest names and making a fortune. Instead, she was dealing with pots and pans full of lunch for public school kids. Some things just didn't make sense.

"Here you go Darling." Georgiana called back Stan's attention again as she handed him his plate over the silver counter, still smiling as bright as ever.

"Thanks." Stan tried to match her smile but gave up almost instantly. Georgiana's happiness was already to the level of radiating, he knew he couldn't compete with that. Especially since his level of happiness was on the borderline of certified unhappiness.

He walked across the lunch room quickly glancing over the tables.

The Popular Girls Table was more to the far left of the room, with Wendy, Bebe and about 3 other girls they had recruited back in 8th grade. Kenny called them "Bagholders" since pretty much all they did was hold Wendy and Bebe's bags when they were out shopping or doing anything really. They also dragged them around to listen to pointless babble and gossip Bebe had picked up around the school. Stan never understood why those girls were so willing; I mean what were they getting out of it? Perks of being considered popular, maybe. The only reason Stan could think of was mind control that had to be why they hadn't completely gone insane, yet.

Right next to The Popular Girls Table was The Popular Guys Table. There Token, Craig, Clyde and Tweek reigned. They didn't do much besides flirt with The Popular Girls Table. The monotony of their table annoyed Stan and rightly so, it had been going on for years. Although Craig and Tweek didn't flirt so much these days…except with each other. Stan's thoughts were once again interrupted, although this time by a much more favorable redhead.

"Fun fact! In some places people actually sit down to eat lunch! It's crazy!" Kyle stood in front of Stan in all his Kyle-like glory; a worn bright green Ushanka on his head and a pale orange jacket that he had been identified by for years. Kyle was smirking as he reached over and stole a fishstick off of Stan's plate. Stan gasped in surprise.

"Are you allowed to eat that?"

Kyle raised an eyebrow inquisitively. "Wouldn't you like to know?"

"Hey Stan. Hey abandoner." Kenny chimed into the conversation while casually stealing a fishstick from Stan's plate as well. Kenny had on a rather new-looking orange parka with the hood completely not drawn.

"Abandoner?" Kyle turned to look at Kenny.

"Yep, it's what you call someone who abandons others. "

"Kenny, that's ridiculous. I left the table to go get Stan. If anything I should be called The Lunch Uniter." Stan laughed at Kyle's self-proclaimed title.

"No dude, you didn't just leave. You left me alone with _Cartman._" Kenny shuddered as if the mere mention of his name sent shivers down his spine.

"Oh, oops. Sorry dude. I thought he was really "over" our lunch group. He called us socially inept like 50 times last week, it seemed real."

"Cartman used the term socially inept?" Stan stared past Kenny at the table behind them where Cartman in his red sweater was reading a book called "The Devouring".

"Nah, he actually just called us and I quote "losers who will never get girlfriends because they're too busy fondling themselves in train station bathrooms"".

Kenny immediately burst into a fit of laughter when Kyle had finished the quote.

"Only Cartman." Stan smiled and shook his head as he pushed Kenny aside gently so he could walk up to the table and put down his tray.

"I'm glad you came alone Stan. There's something I need to talk to you about." Cartman set his book down on the table and eyed Stan cheerfully. Something was wrong, Cartman was _never_ cheery.

"What is it?" Stan sat down next to Cartman and leaned in closer to Cartman's side interested to hear the horrible news. It had to be horrible; horrible was the only kind of news that made Cartman happy in any way, shape or form. He had been that way as long as Stan had known him.

"Well, there are two things actually. The first being about your fishsticks." Cartman reached out to Stan's plate and grabbed a fishstick, promptly stuffing it into his mouth. Stan was positive he didn't chew.

"And the second being about your crush."

Stan was taken aback.

"My crush?" Stan tried to play off his hesitation by a façade of surprise.

"Yes Stan, it's taken me a while but I finally got it. I know who you like." Cartman simpered.

"Yeah right Cartman." Stan scoffed and then picked up a fishstick for himself.

"Yeah, right." Cartman's eyes shot into a different direction and his hands slowly pointed towards his right side. Stan followed Cartman's hands and his gaze, they both led directly to Kyle, as he sat down heavily next to Cartman and besides Kenny.

Stan froze and dropped his last fishstick on the table.


	2. Misguided Generosity

Stan saw Cartman leaning against the dull green lockers. After lunch they had agreed to meet afterschool to discuss the terms of Cartman's secrecy about Stan's love interest.

Stan walked towards Cartman the same way he walked through art museums; slowly and silently, hoping his presence would barely be noticed (and therefore could annoy none of the hardcore art observers) as he tiptoed past the 1st row of lockers.

"Stan! Hey!"

Too late.

"Oh hey Cartman. What's up?" Stan attempted to high five with Cartman but the other boy blatantly ignored him.

"Listen Stan, let's talk business." Cartman turned his back to Stan and reached into a locker behind him, he started to fidget with the lock. After a few seconds he turned to face Stan with what looked like a briefcase in his hands.

"Is that a briefcase?" Stan pointed at the brown case with the black leather handle; it looked way too serious to be in a highschool student's locker.

"Yes it is Stan, a briefcase whose contents took me hours of research and outside Kyle's house to compose."

"Did you say _hours_ outside of Kyle's house?"

Cartman simply shook his head. "It doesn't matter how I obtained the information Marsh, the point is I have it and you", Cartman jabbed a finger towards Stan, "Don't."

"And? What makes you think I even want the information?" Stan raised an eyebrow at Cartman inquisitively.

Cartman laughed and completely ignored Stan's question.

"It's funny really, when you think about all the time and effort I put into this project just to get one result." Cartman quickly snapped open the briefcase to reveal one word imprinted on white paper in bold black letters:

**CHARMING**

"Charming?" Stan looked at the paper inside the briefcase until Cartman hastily snapped it shut.

"Charming." Cartman reopened his locker and stuffed the briefcase back inside. "That's the only quality you need if you want the princess' heart. Well, in your case the prince's." Cartman snickered to himself.

"So? I've been charming towards Kyle for like, ever." Stan's expression went into a smug smile. If charming was all he had to be then he must've already been close to claiming Kyle as his own.

"No Stan, you've been _nice_ to Kyle for like, ever." Cartman quoted Stan in a high-pitched airy voice. "You haven't been charming."

Stan glared at Cartman. "Why do you care so much now anyways? All you ever do is read, complain and come down from your throne and insult us when you deem us worthy enough to be insulted."

Cartman looked absolutely horrified as if Stan had found out his best kept secret. Stan then thought this wasn't very possible seeing how Cartman had nothing worth keeping secret. He just wasn't that elusive, he often kept his deeds out in the open where everyone could see.

"I know! I know that's all I do!" Cartman exclaimed and started to shake. He suddenly stopped and caught his composure. He ended the whole freak-out scenario with a mock cough. Stan took one step back, widening the distance between Cartman and himself.

"That's why I have to help at least 1 person be truly happy."

Stan took another step back, this one just for his general health. Cartman was going insane and insane people were many things but one of them wasn't predictable.

"Seriouslah Stan. Seriouslah." Cartman took a step forward towards Stan hoping this would justify the seriousness of his proposal.

"Yeah Cartman but why me? Why not Kenny or something?"

Cartman looked at Stan quizzically, like he had said the most preposterous thing he ever heard in his life.

"Kenny **is** happy Stan, in fact disgustingly happy. Yeah, he's poor but ever since he got with Butters-"

"Kenny's with Butters?!" Stan could feel his mouth hanging open out of utter surprise.

"Stan, how long have you been in Kyletopia? They got together like months ago."

Cartman sighed out of pity for Stan then continued on.

"Anyways Stan, I'm going to help you be happy. You should be grateful. You should be overwhelmed." Cartman paused. "But you're not even crying."

Stan exhaled rather loudly and clicked his tongue then put his face into his palms.

"So you think that by helping me get with Kyle, you'll gain some sort of forgiveness for everything else you've ever done wrong?"

Cartman's reply was quick. "Yes."

"And even if I didn't say you could help you would anyways right?"

Another quick reply. "No."

Stan looked up from his palms at Cartman. "No?"

"Well not exactly no. I would help you, yes but not in a way you'd like." Cartman smirked. "Although it would be a lot faster."

"What are you talking about Cartman-"

"I'm talking about just telling Kyle that you're in love with him. He should take it well. You guys have been pseudo-couple, did you know that?" Stan looked confused and Cartman lowered his voice.

"There are already people who _think_ you're together." Cartman pointed at a senior with blonde hair bouncing down the hall in a letterman jacket; probably her boyfriend's.

"Oh my God." Stan was genuinely perplexed and Cartman raised his voice back to normal frequency.

"So we have a deal?" Cartman held out his hand.

"Deal." Stan held his out to meet Cartman's and shook it firmly. Cartman after taking back his hand and leaving a small note in Stan's preceded to walk down the hall.

Stan read the note; it was a time and place for their next "random" encounter. He shouted at Cartman who was already halfway down the hall.

"Did I really have a choice?" Stan shouted and saw Cartman's walking halt for a second or two before loudly replying "No" and completing his descent down the hall.

Stan turned around to see Kyle standing rather closely behind him.

"What was that all about?"


	3. Decidedly Indecisive

Decidedly Indecisive

**Gym, 3:28, Tomorrow**

Stan's eyes scanned over the folded piece of paper one last time for certainty's sake. Cartman had hastily scribbled down the details of their "chance" encounter. Stan laughed to himself as he made his way down the hall to his 1st block, Spanish.

Why was he doing this really? He had absolutely no faith in Cartman and even less faith that Cartman would even see this mission of his all the way through. He trudged to the back of the classroom, grabbed the closest desk and dropped his backpack carelessly on the floor beside it. There was no such thing as permanent seating in Spanish class and Stan took advantage of it every time.

After a few minutes with his head down on top of the desk, wondering to himself once again "why" he heard a familiar voice next to his ear.

"You okay Stan?"

At that moment his question was completely answered. He noticed that Kyle's breath smelled like strawberries, how was that even possible right now? Unless he had strawberries for breakfast...

Stan felt his thoughts trailing and brought his head up from his desk; Kyle was standing right in front of it leaning over it slightly to make their conversation more exclusive.

Kyle, Kyle, Kyle.

Kyle.

Stan felt himself start to smile.

"I'll take that as a yes," Kyle leaned away from Stan's desk and headed towards the one beside him with a look of mock hurt lining his face, "And you didn't even tell me her name."

"What?" Stan had said that louder than he had meant to, Kyle found it funny and started to chuckle under his breath.

Ms. Rosa of course, didn't.

"¿Hay algo que te gustaría compartir con la clase Stan?"

Stan had gone into a blank stare when he heard his name at the end of that sentence. He didn't understand a word of what she just said but he knew it had to be serious when the whole classroom went from what they were doing to listening intently to what were supposed to be Stan's next words. Stan started to open his mouth-

"Lo siento molestar a la clase Ms. Rosa. Yo sólo tenía que compartir algunas noticias sobre mi gato con Stan. Creo que ha desaparecido. Me temo que no podría encontrarlo."

But his voice wasn't the one he was used to hearing when he talked. He turned to his side and saw Kyle beaming. Even though he didn't understand a word of what he just said either, he knew Kyle had just saved his life, at least academically.

"Perdón por la noticia Kyle. Pero tal vez la próxima vez que usted puede esperar hasta después de mi clase?" Ms. Rosa looked annoyed but with more softness in her features than before.

Kyle nodded. "Ms. Rosa Sí, por supuesto. Por favor, continúe."

Ms. Rosa nodded in return and went on to speak about, something.

Stan took the free time he had (since even if he did listen it would be the equivalent of watching a TV channel with 85% static) and decided to make a list of pros and cons about trusting Cartman in a deal this important in Stan's life. He looked over at Kyle who was glancing thoughtfully down at his Spanish textbook and matching 's words with their English counterparts, before making the list a reality.

CONS

The list of Cons was exhausting, Stan's arm started to hurt from everything he had written. He read over it again and sighed, it made him feel like it just wasn't worth it.

PROS

Stan's mind emptied at the word. Pros? Were there really any pros to this? He scratched his head and let his palm tap the side of his desk, a habit he often did when he was truly considering a thought. He looked over again at Kyle-

Kyle was staring right at him.

As their eyes met, Kyle let off a grin and Stan could feel himself crumbling on the inside. He had never known this feeling before, the nearest sensation he could compare it to was the euphoric lightness that hits you right before you start to vomit. It was the moment that you think to yourself, "haha I can't believe I thought I was going to throw up, in fact I feel awesome, I think I'll go back out and party", and then you blow chunks all over the bathroom floor. Stan knew he wasn't going to throw up though; Kyle only made him feel happy even though he knew there was always a chance it would end badly. Kyle suddenly tore his eyes from Stan's and went back to jotting down whatever it was he was jotting down. Stan brought his pen back down to his list.

PROS

-I think I'm in love with him-

That's all Stan got to write before the bell rang and students literally leapt from their seats into the masses beginning to crowd the hallways.

He crumpled the list into a ball in his hand, shoved it down into his backpack and hurried off to his locker.

When he got to his locker, he pulled out his English textbook, "Renaissance Literature". Stan rolled his eyes and halfheartedly put the book into his backpack with something like a scowl on his face. He barely noticed Kyle standing right beside him. When did Kyle get so stealthy?

"You still didn't tell me what you and Cartman were talking about."

Stan decided to play the innocent card in hopes that Kyle would leave the subject alone.

"Cartman? Kyle, what are you talking about?"

Stan closed his locker and saw Kyle's face.

He looked nervous and that was pretty much impossible. Wait, why was he mumbling to himself?

"Kyle? What's up?"

Kyle laughed and Stan's nerves went off again, he was glad it was his fault.

"We have that speech today. Don't you remember? We even had to memorize it. It's like 20 minutes."

Stan knew what he looked like right now, a deer caught in headlights. He wanted to scream, he was _going_ to scream.

Kyle wiped his face once and then held a sorrowful look for Stan.

"Wow Stan, you look so sick." Kyle winked and broke the façade. "You should definitely skip the next block; I'll just tell Mr. Trolan you couldn't make it."

Kyle shifted off the locker he was leaning on and made his way towards Mr. Trolan's classroom while Stan made his way to the Nurse's office with his fists clenched. Kyle had saved him again, but why did he feel so angry?


	4. Why We Don't Have Nice Things

"Modesty is the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be aware of it.

-Oliver Herford"

Cartman had just finished writing the quote onto a sheet of white paper he gently placed into his briefcase. Unlike many things he pretended to enjoy (Hanging out with elderly at the Home, answering doors pleasantly, giving things away (especially his time) in general), he really did enjoy the whole "writing-vague-plans-showing-them-to-people-and-explaining-them-later" thing. That was always fun, the best part was their reaction, which was usually the facial equivalent of "???", that let Cartman know he had total control of the situation.

Confusion was Cartman's best friend, especially when he had ulterior motives. He had never been too good at kindness or genuine emotion, but confusion? Ha. Confusion was a skill that ran through his veins, more so than his blood. He had to have been the unclaimed child of a businessman. Knowing Mrs. Cartman, he probably was. Cartman shivered at the flashback of his Mother and some schmuck in a tie having a casual conversation at the dinner table about "prices".

He looked down at his watch. "3:45", Cartman scoffed to himself, "I should have put some kind of time-related threat on that note. If you're not here by 3:28…._bad things will happen_. Wait no; if you're not here by 3:28…_bad things will happen to __**him**__._" Cartman thought considerably over what the death threat should have said and failed to notice Stan's entering of the gym.

"Cartman! You here?"

Cartman shot out of his mental ramblings.

"No, no Cartman, just me, Cartman's doppelganger. Although, people say we look alike." Cartman smiled at his own joke, though he didn't find it very amusing. The joke was made purely for Stan's benefit, so he would feel more comfortable, more easygoing, more trusting. Maybe Cartman wouldn't have to work so hard. However, Stan was still too far away for Cartman to even dream about telling if he was laughing or not.

When Stan arrived at the middle of the gym where Cartman was standing, he wondered briefly if Cartman planned on turning this into a Made-For-TV movie script someday. Everything just fit the mold; 1st Cartman finding out about Stan's crush, then Stan being helped (the word "helped" being a variation of the word forced) by a member of the group of friends that outright refused to offer help to anybody and last the conclusion. Too bad Stan didn't already know how it ended. Stan was starting to lurch a bit when his mind flashed all of the possible outcomes, the last one really doing him in, Stan without Kyle. Stan tried to regain his composure by distracting himself, looking at Cartman's briefcase with feigned interest.

"What's inside?" Stan pointed at the briefcase longer than he intended to, he wanted to come off as interested not unmodernized. As if he hadn't seen that briefcase before.

Cartman grinned and opened the briefcase; he then brought out the piece of paper and passed it on to Stan.

Stan read it quietly, his eyes darting back and forth desperate to finish. When he was done, he realized he had really used too much of his enthusiasm, the letter was just another piece of Cartman's puzzle, which meant he was going to be forced to ask the timeless question "What?" and which meant he had to get ready for a lengthy Cartman explanation. He closed his eyes for a split second and inwardly groaned. He hated Cartman explanations. Cartman purposely integrated confusion into almost everything he ever had any part of _just_ so you _had_ to stick around for the big reveal. Unless, you just really didn't care, but with Cartman around how could you _not?_ He had this inevitable quality to him that drew you in after the confusion had passed, to keep your attention until it was all over.

"What?" Stan said as he mentally prepared himself for the rest of the current conversation.

"Stan, how long have known Kyle?" Cartman inquired.

"As long as I've known you." Stan replied coarsely, letting a little too much of his real-time emotion slip through.

"Hmmm. I see." Cartman seemed to use his fingers to comb through an invisible beard on his chin. "How long have you been in love with Kyle?"

Stan choked on air.

"Love? What?" Stan chortled nervously, "Slow down. I don't remember saying anything about-"

"They do not love that do not show their love. The course of true love never did run smooth. Love is a familiar. Love is a devil. There is no evil angel but Love." Cartman finished with a sigh after seeing the obvious bemusement plastered all over Stan's face.

"That was Shakespeare."

"And it means?"

"It means that if you didn't love Kyle, you wouldn't be here right now."

Stan nodded firmly; his pretending he understood was somewhat of a skill he had developed over the course of his life. He was done trying to correct Cartman about the love thing though; his focus had shifted back to Cartman's expected plan.

"So? What comes 1st?"

Stan saw Cartman's lips curl upwards, it almost looked like a smile, but smiles were never that sinister.

"Stan, I think it's time you learn how to flirt."

If there was water in his mouth right now Stan would've done a spit take.

"I'm sorry? Did you say, flirt? Maybe it's the echo in here or something but I could've sworn you said-"

"Don't worry. I'll take care of it." Cartman's tone was reassuring though what he had just said was not.

Once again, Stan was confused. "You'll flirt….for me?"

Cartman held back the temptation to roll his eyes. "No Stan." He said through almost gritted teeth. "Listen, it's almost 4 and the basketball team has to come in for practice after running their mile. I'll meet you tomorrow in the library, same time but at the furthest table to the left. Okay?"

"Sure but why not at the same place?" Stan raised the question trying to sound as professional as possible.

"Well sure Stan, if you want to talk about your personal life in the middle of cheerleading tryouts." Cartman laughed, this time for real. He had imagined Stan speaking louder than necessary and proclaiming his love for Kyle as a cheerleader back flipped by while the other girls chanted in the background, "Every closet has to open sometime/so come out of the closet/Cartman's mind can't think of a better rhyme/so come out of the closet!"

Stan had cut Cartman's imagination off before he got to the part with the marching band.

"Haha yeah you're right. Sorry. I'll see you tomorrow then?" Stan held out his hand for a shake.

Cartman shook Stan's hand and packed up his briefcase then casually left the gym, the briefcase swinging back and forth in time with his step.

Stan still didn't understand what had compelled Cartman to help him out, but he knew something _did._ Cartman was way too calculated to ever be random, much less perform a random act of kindness. Well, whatever it was, Stan really didn't care, he knew he'd have never done it on his own. He smiled to himself and made his way out of the gym, turning left, right into Kyle.

"Ow." Kyle said as he staggered back from Stan almost falling over.

"I'm sorry dude!" Stan said grabbing at Kyle's hands trying to help him re-balance himself on his feet.

"It's okay. I was kinda' hoping I'd bump into you." Kyle had a knack for brushing off awkward moments. Well, at least it was awkward for Stan.

"I was wondering if you needed help for the English thing, and you know because I just happen to be awesome enough to actually offer assistance of my standard for free, I'm offering assistance of my standard for free."

Stan and Kyle laughed in unison; Stan probably harder than what was required for a friendly joke, then Stan placed his hand on Kyle's shoulder.

"Help me not epic fail at life?" Stan tried his best to look as pathetic as humanly possible.

"Been doing that since we met man. How about tomorrow night, your place?"

Stan nodded his approval and felt all the insecurities he had about English bubbling down and away. He had Kyle now, he was freakin' invincible.


	5. Attempts At Charming

Cartman looked down at his watch. Why did he insist on meeting with people who couldn't be on time? It was 6:00 AM, if Cartman remembered correctly (and Cartman _always_ remembered correctly) he told Kenny to be there by 5:30. Cartman huffed and took a moment to stare at the sky. The sky was….weird. It was light blue with hints of white, the clouds Cartman noted, and was unevenly patterned around the town. Maybe if Cartman was someone else he might've thought it was beautiful, but Cartman found no beauty in non-organization. When he died the 1st thing he would do was schedule a meeting with the Creator or at least the person in charge of the sky. There was no excuse for a Heavenly mess.

By the time Cartman brought himself out of his concerns about the sky he saw a boy in an orange hoodie calmly strutting down the street.

Sometimes Cartman hated Kenny.

Even when Kenny was in the wrong he always played it off so coolly, he was almost impossible to argue with. As soon as the argument got started Kenny would just shove it off with an "okay okay" or a laugh. The most annoying part was it wasn't one of those I-laugh-at-you-because-your-point-is-ridiculous kind of laughs but one of those We-might-be-arguing-now-but-I'm-still-sleeping-over-this-weekend kind of laughs. Kenny was way too sure of things for Cartman's taste, but that's the same reason he only hated him _sometimes._ Sometimes Kenny was the perfect person to talk to if you wanted to convince yourself your plan was foolproof. Unless, Kenny disagreed with the plan himself, then you were going to be virtually screwed and your confidence would never be the same ever again.

Kenny was good.

"Ello." Kenny smiled as he reached Cartman near the bus stop. Kenny looked disheveled. His blonde hair was messy and forgotten, his clothes were barely ironed out and even his eyes were a misarranged swirl of crystal blue and black ink.

"Hey." Cartman replied slowly as a sense of awkwardness started to line the air he was inhaling far too quickly. He had just realized how strange his request to Kenny was going to sound when it actually came out of his mouth. It was so much simpler on paper.

"Kenny…I….er….You're a good person Kenny. And I….need your…help." Cartman finished sputtering out his sentence; he formed his hand into a fist near his mouth and fake coughed as he waited on Kenny to say the magic words. The less nervous he looked the better.

"Thank you", Kenny smiled again, then his face went stoic.

"Help with what?"

"Flirting." Cartman muttered the word into his fist half hoping Kenny didn't hear it.

"What?" Kenny placed his hands inside his hoodie and stared incredulously at Cartman.

"Flirting! I said Flirting!" Cartman took his hand away from his mouth and started to repeat the word rather loudly, he could hear a soft echo of his voice.

"I heard you the 1st time Cartman. I'm just surprised, like really surprised. So who's the chick….or dude?" Kenny smirked again and lightly punched Cartman on the shoulder.

"It's not for me, it's for a friend." Cartman quickly corrected Kenny's assumption.

"Oh, well that surprises me less but it does make more sense. No offense Cartman, I just don't see you as the Romantic type," Kenny held up his hands defensively, "Or the flirting type."

Cartman scoffed. "Well that's good then because I'm not the type and I have no intentions of joining the club. You've got what? 3 choices? Monogamy for the rest of your life, heartbreak or playing the field and risking all kinds of diseases. It's completely unnecessary. Completely." Cartman repeated the word completely to add emphasis to his dislike of the concept of relationships.

"If that's how you see it, then why would you wanna' help your friend? That's a bit sadistic Cartm-, oh wait nevermind." Kenny stopped himself once he remembered who he was talking to.

""The pleasure we derive from doing favors is partly in the feeling it gives us that we are not altogether worthless. It is a pleasant surprise to ourselves."

Kenny stared blankly at Cartman. "…What?"

"That was Eric Hoffer." Cartman waited for any sign of recognition in Kenny's face and found none, he sighed. "So, could you help me?"

"Cartman, Cartman, Cartman. What gives you the idea that I have even the slightest idea about how to flirt?" Kenny ran a hand through his tousled hair and then stepped closer to Cartman. Kenny's eyes close-up were seemingly enchanted, Cartman was already lost in-between strips of blue and traces of black indefinitely entwined with one another and he _really_ didn't mind. Kenny stepped away and Cartman caught himself, he had made Kenny's demonstration way too successful.

"There's no way anybody else could pull that trick off Kenny, not everyone's as naturally alluring."

Kenny laughed and then nodded. "Hmmm. You're right. Okay, tell me what your friend has going for them so far."

Cartman's mind was empty; he had never checked Stan out before, much less checked anyone out really. He just wasn't interested.

"Well they've got brownish black hair, dark brown eyes. They're semi-tall and semi-built…I guess." Cartman had no idea what he was talking about; he lost himself after "eyes".

Kenny nodded again thoughtfully as if he was about to solve the greatest problem known to man. Then he smiled.

"The good news is they sound hot." Cartman almost laughed at the thought of Kenny calling Stan hot. He wondered how bad he would freak if he told him it was Stan, even though Kenny was currently with Butters he had ground rules about dating your best friends, you didn't.

"The bad news is I have no idea what they actually look like." Kenny frowned a bit. "But I could give you some basic flirting advice. You know, Flirting 101 and stuff that should help them out a lot."

Cartman moved to his left and revealed a briefcase that was hidden from Kenny's view.

He reached for it, opened it and took out a black notebook with gray stripes and handed it to Kenny. He then pulled out a Black pen and handed that to Kenny as well.

"We've got about an hour before school starts. Let's do this."

Kenny silently agreed and started to write fervently as Cartman looked on and absorbed the new information.


	6. Sense, As In Non

Stan was. Well Stan was. Stan was currently. Stan was….

Stan was distracted.

In front of him, Craig who was holding Tweek's hand under their desks, bent down every once in a while to silently lift Tweek's hand and kiss it gently.

It was becoming a routine.

Was anyone else noticing this? Or was Stan the only person unenthusiastic about learning what the sporadic numbers and letters meant across the periodic table?

He looked over to his left and saw Wendy and Bebe passing notes on paper that was pink, gray and slightly folded. When things got really boring he'd try to figure out what they were passing notes about, his 1st answer was always boys but that always turned out wrong. It was usually about _girls._ Insults, envy, try hards, boyfriend stealers, drunken cheaters and last but certainly not the least their friends. Oddly enough, Stan couldn't remember Wendy or Bebe passing notes to any other girl but each other, but maybe that was just for safety reasons. If either one of them found out the other was passing notes about her, the core of their Popular Girls Crowd would be decimated into the abyss. Stan smiled to himself as he imagined Wendy and Bebe drifting slowly out into the Universe with their designer purses and pink ensembles attempting to spell out OMGHELPPLZ with the stars. It was funny even if it was completely impossible. Impossible…

Stan remembered Kyle.

Oh God. What had he done? He agreed to go over to Kyle's house tonight to get help with his English project but the same thing always happened whenever Stan went over to Kyle's house for a project:

Kyle talks about the project.

Stan pretends to understand.

Kyle talks more about the project.

Stan pretends to care.

Kyle realizes Stan's faking his level of commitment and the conversation slowly changes into a new topic which ultimately leads to a defining question.

Stan is stuck and _has _to answer Kyle's question no matter how ridiculous it might be. It was Kyle's sly way of punishing Stan for not genuinely paying attention.

It was also how Kyle had been getting information out of Stan for years. Maybe Kyle thought Stan hadn't caught on to his clockwork plan yet and Stan liked it that way. Stan liked _him_ that way, predictable and dependable. Those were just two of the endless list of things that attracted Stan to Kyle. Stan was attracted to Kyle like positive to negative, like Hydrogen to Oxygen like Aurum to…Aurum. It all made sense if you were in the same class Stan was in right now.

Stan sunk into his chair. He was hopeless. He could barely explain why he liked Kyle so much…maybe even _loved_ Kyle so much, he just knew he _did._

He couldn't even think back to when he started to feel this way, it just _happened._

And now it was going to eat him alive.

Stan foresaw Kyle's big question tonight being the same one he had been asking for a while now, what had he and Cartman talked about that day by the lockers.

Stan didn't want to lie to Kyle. Stan couldn't lie to Kyle, but Stan had to lie to Kyle.

What else was he supposed to tell him?

"Oh it was nothing, Cartman and I were just talking about how I have a crush on you and how he's going to help us, that's you and me, become a couple. So, what'd you have for dinner?"

He vividly imagined being thrown out of Kyle's window.

"Mr. Marsh, I would like to believe that you are giving me your utmost attention in my class. I also sometimes like to believe that Physics doesn't exist and that I could fly any time I wanted to. Just because you want to believe something doesn't make it a possibility now does it?"

The class started to laugh as Mr. Harlson turned away from the whiteboard, gave Stan a stern look then went back to the whiteboard to continue his lecture.

"Eyes in the back of my head Mr. Marsh."

Stan sat upright in his chair and opened a fresh page in his Science notebook.

_Just because you want to believe something doesn't make it a possibility._

Not only had Mr. Harlson called him out in front of the whole class he was also apparently reading Stan's mind.

Stan sighed heavily then proceeded with dutiful note taking. He didn't want to risk getting a detention since he was meeting with Cartman after school in the library….to talk about "Charming" and "Flirting". It was a rather disturbing thought.

**RING RING RING.**

Stan was startled, was it after school already?

Oh right. Science was his last period of the day.

Stan stood up to clumsily put his notebook in his backpack and like his fellow classmates bolted for the door, he turned left and-

Ouch.

"Hey Kyle."

"Hey Stan." Kyle was beaming as usual. Was Kyle ever anything but abnormally jolly? "Sorry about that, but I did kind of owe you one after yesterday."

"Haha yeah." Stan laughed through the pain, when he hadn't braced himself for any kind of physical contact he was probably the most sensitive person in the World. Wow, he sounded like a pansy.

"Are you still coming over tonight?" Kyle looked as if he was about to start bouncing off the ceiling, he was way too excited. Stan let a fleeting fantasy pass by of Kyle being so anxious about Stan coming over because it was _Stan_, and in the fantasy Kyle liked Stan like _that _too.

"Stan? Are you still coming over tonight?" Kyle asked again and waved a hand in front of Stan's face.

"Uh, yeah. Sorry, I was kinda' out of it."

Kyle glanced behind him.

"Was it because of her?" Kyle pointed subtly at a girl with brown hair and a fair peach-like skin tone. She was about 5"5 and wearing a blue and black striped sweater with a skirt to match. Her outfit reminded Stan of an ice cream cone when two of the flavors were swirled together. Her laugh was loud but not demanding and her speech was vivacious, it was probably hard for the girls circled around her not to listen to her, the way she made her words come alive. Stan assumed she was the leader of the group. She looked up at Stan and smiled sweetly, innocence frozen timeless in her dimples and Stan felt sick to his stomach. The last time Stan had seen such a display of disgusting perfection was in 4th grade, Wendy.

"I'm not too sure about what grade she's in though but I could probably find out-"

Kyle turned around to see Stan still looking at the girl.

"Hey, wait. Is she the reason you were acting weird in Spanish class? I knew it! I knew it was a girl! When? Where? Who is she and why? I would say what but I don't think I wanna' know." Kyle winked at Stan.

Stan brought his gaze back to Kyle completely horrified.

How could Kyle even think something like that?

Oh yeah, he didn't **know.**

Kyle shrugged at Stan's expression.

"I thought you already knew I could read minds, it's one of my many talents. One of my other ones is this." Kyle began to do a Jazz square in the hallway.

Stan laughed and then looked at his watch.

3:55 PM.

"Hey dude, I've gotta' go." Stan pulled his backpack onto his shoulder.

"Where?"

"Mom! I'll tell you later, just let me go this one time. Please?" Stan did his best to make his voice as whiny and annoying as possible.

"Fine sweetie, as long as you're back before your curfew. You know how your Father gets." Kyle blew a kiss in the air. "I love you."

"I love you too." Stan grinned and headed down the hallway towards the 4th floor staircase.

He could really get used to saying that to Kyle, _I love you_, minus the role playing of course.


	7. Prehistoric Case of Symmetry

Cartman waited in the library sitting at the furthest table to the left. There were glossy covered magazines on the table. Those were bait to get the highschoolers to read something, _anything_ and not to just use the library as an escape hatch when they wanted to avoid conflict on the rest of the school grounds.

Cartman was about to pick up an issue of TIME when he heard snickering coming from behind him.

It sounded a lot like….Craig.

Since when did Craig snicker?

Cartman quickly turned around and saw Craig covering his mouth trying to control the volume of his laughter as Tweek continued to look horrified at the pages of a book.

The book was called "Male Anatomy", and had what was probably an overpaid male model on the left side of the cover and on the right an X-Ray version of him.

Suddenly, Craig carefully pulled the book out of Tweek's trembling hands and proceeded to kiss his lips softly. Tweek stopped trembling and instead put his hands on Craig's chest and gently pushed him away. Craig smiled and Cartman turned back around.

Over his shoulder he could hear Craig muttering under his breath, probably trying to keep his words a secret from everyone else in the library except for Tweek.

"I'm sorry….you were shaking again….I love you….I'd never….Just because it looks like that in the book baby doesn't mean…I love you…You smell really good right now…"

It was like listening to a radio with a twisted antenna, Cartman was only picking up on parts of the lines Craig was throwing at Tweek. However, it was undeniable how Tweek was responding. Tweek's little repetitive outbursts of gah's, sighs and laughter were getting on Cartman's last nerves.

Where was Stan? They had agreed to meet at 4 PM and it was already…3:55. Great, now he didn't even have a better reason to be annoyed than by the general existence of lovers. Cartman not only hated the idea of feeling bitter he even hated the idea that what his anger was projected at might come off as bitter. Cartman wasn't a bitter person contrary to popular belief. Crossing Cartman always led to your own demise in the end; he refused to be a victim, common knowledge suggests only victims become the bitter and Cartman would never feel like a victim, _ever again._

"Hey Cartman. 'Sup?"

Stan's voice interrupted Cartman's journey to the center of his own psyche.

"What? No briefcase?" Stan laughed and pulled out a seat across the table from Cartman while placing his backpack on the floor beside him.

"No, no briefcase. Just a list." Cartman pulled a piece of paper out of a binder from his backpack and handed it over to Stan.

Before Stan started to read it he noticed something strange. The scribbling on the sheet looked enticingly familiar. "This looks like Kenny's handwriting."

"Well, I would hope so. He did write it after all."

"WHAT?" Stan became much too loud for the library and the librarian had noticed it too. She held a finger to the middle of her pressed mouth and with a projected SSHH told Stan everything he needed to know at the moment about his voice. So he lowered it.

"So Kenny knows about this too?"

"What was that Stan? I can't hear you. Sounded like Benny likes Cancun?" Cartman gave Stan a puzzled look and slowly reached for an issue of TIME.

Stan had the primal urge to jump over the table and strangle Cartman until he was unconscious. Instead, he took a deep breath and tried again.

"So Kenny knows about this too?"

"He knows that someone likes someone else and I'm trying to help them get together. But details? Not a clue."

"Great. I think I would've died if Kenny found out."

"Why?" Cartman was surprised by Stan's statement, Stan and Kenny seemed close enough to be brothers. "What's so bad about Kenny knowing?"

Stan shrugged. "Nothing. It's just; Kenny might not support it you know? He'd say something like you don't want to ruin your friendship with Kyle, what happens if he rejects you, what happens if you two break up…"

"So you're basically saying you don't want Kenny to know because Kenny would have a point?" Cartman chuckled once. "Don't tell me you haven't thought about the downside to this thing too Marsh."

"Yeah, I have. I even made a list." Stan laughed albeit sadly. "But I think I love him Cartman and I can't just ignore that and pretend I just wanna' be friends when I know we'd be awesome as so much more." Stan smiled slightly at the end of his confession even if it sorta' was to the wrong person.

Cartman shot him a leer.

"Love is never a question Marsh. Either you love him or you don't. Do you love him?"

Stan paused in his lesser merriment to look directly into Cartman's eyes.

He took another deep breath and could feel beads of sweat starting to form around his forehead. Wow, the lights were bright in here and someone should seriously do something about the way the tables were arranged they were all askew and hey when did they finish re-building the sci-fi section-

"Yes. I do." Once his mind had finished its rant and gotten to the real conclusion it was Earth shattering, saying that he loved Kyle. He could feel himself becoming less tense and would've sworn the room was spinning as a kaleidoscope-like effect took over his vision. The library seemed full with vibrant color as the rays of Sunlight danced around the center of the room, sparkling, reminiscent to reflections of everything Stan had once loved, the shadows the light created rose and fell back on themselves accordingly until a perfectly recreated Sunlight Kyle shadow was before him staying a bit longer than the others had but too like the others fell away from Stan's eyes.

Stan was feeling quite insane. If this was how it felt saying it to Cartman, how would it feel saying it to Kyle? How would it feel if Kyle said it _back?_

Most importantly, was this how it was _supposed_ to make you feel? Insane?

Was anyone else seeing those shadows?

"Huh, I wasn't expecting you to admit it so soon Marsh. Congrats on accepting your feelings, that'll probably make that list a lot easier to accomplish."

Cartman flipped through the pages of TIME, barely staying at a page long enough to read the article's title, thought Stan.

"Oh yeah, the list." Stan proceeded to actually read what had been written down and felt bile rising from his stomach.

"Are you serious? You honestly expect me to be able to tell Kyle," Stan began to read from the sheet. "_He has beautiful eyes and I love the way he looks at me with them?"_

"You could always change the wording around if you think it's too cheesy."

"No, it's not that it's cheesy it's just that this list feels more like I'm trying to pick up a hot chick at a bar, not the love of my life."

Stan could call Kyle that now, the love of his life. He liked it.

"You can't have him anytime you want?"

"Well, no-"

"And is he even interested in you like that?"

"Probably not but-"

"Then Kyle equals that hot chick in a bar." Cartman put down the magazine and raised an eyebrow. "Did I just call Kyle a hot chick in a bar? Strange." He then picked the magazine up and continued his search for an article.

Stan sighed and put the list in the front pocket of his backpack.

"I'm going over to his house tonight."

Cartman looked up from his magazine. "Good, bring the list with you."

"Oh, I planned on it." Stan stood up and put his backpack back on his…back. He pushed the chair in towards the table.

"Cartman if Kyle finds out about any of this-"

"You could end up like the disgusting people behind me."

Stan glanced around behind Cartman and saw Craig kissing a trail from Tweek's ear to the bottom part of his neck. Stan was sure Kyle would never be okay with that much PDA in one of his sacred places. He meant the library, of course.

Stan smirked, waved goodbye to Cartman who in turn did not return the kind gesture. He mouthed the word "Thanks" when he was clearly out of Cartman's view and pushed open the library doors.

_I love Kyle. _

_I love Kyle._

_I love Kyl-_

"Stan! Hey! We were looking for you!" Kyle.

"Yeah dude, Kyle said you just ran away. We were pretty close to calling the cops." Kenny.

No. Not awkward.

Not awkward at _all._


	8. Heaven Must Be Missing An Angel

When Stan got home at around 5pm (Kyle and Kenny were pretty distracting when they wanted to be, they all had to take the late bus home) he quietly mulled over his life as he walked up the stairs to his bedroom.

He opened the door, threw his backpack on the bed and went to his desk where he had carelessly strewn pieces of school-related paper.

Reply slips for parents to sign, notices about field trips he had gone to months ago, report card returns, school dance invites and there it was, the English project guidelines and grading system scorecard.

"For this assignment you will have to perform your own Soliloquy"

Soliloquy, it reminded Stan of a Strings instrument.

Here we have the Violins, Violas, Cellos and the Soliloquies of South Park High presenting The Main Theme of Indiana Jones…

"The Soliloquy should be at least 10 minutes in length"

Didn't Kyle say like 20? Well, Kyle would do it for 20 minutes. Stan was sure he had some kind of unhealthy addiction to overachieving. Not to say that put Stan off in any way, he liked it when Kyle tried to be serious, it was cute.

….._Cute._

Cute was a word Stan never thought he would use to describe anything, most of all not Kyle. He tried to shake the word out of his system as he continued to read.

"The soliloquy may reflect your own current personal thoughts or those of a character we have studied in class, ex; Lady Macbeth."

Kay.

"Most importantly, your soliloquy must have emotion! The majority of your grade will be judged on your acting. So for all the apathetic it's time you start to care!"

Mr. Trolan's attempt at comedy.

"Good luck to you all!"

No Mr. Trolan, Stan thought, good luck to you. He couldn't imagine having to sit through 10 minutes of bad acting followed by another 10 minutes of possibly even worse acting.

Mr. Trolan's best bet for some good entertainment would be Cartman that is if Cartman was even in Mr. Trolan's English class.

Stan cringed at the scenario of having to go next after Cartman during an acting required assignment. That would be brutal.

Stan looked over the grading system scorecard, all he really had to do was have a pretty good speech and some mild acting skills and he could come out with an A-.

A-'s are sweet.

Now he had to choose whether he wanted to base his soliloquy off a character's point of view or his own…

He chose his own. Stan really didn't feel like cracking open his English textbook and surfing for one, too much trouble, his backpack was **so** far away.

He sat down at his desk and started to write….

When he woke up it was 6:45 PM.

Good news, he had finished the soliloquy somewhere between his blurry dreams and bouts of reality.

Bad news, he had 15 minutes to get to Kyle's house on time.

Stan hustled to his bed, grabbed the list out of his backpack, hustled back over to his desk, picked up his soliloquy and heavily thumped downstairs.

"Mom! Dad! I'm going to Kyle's!" No answer.

"Shelley! I'm going to Kyle's!"

"NO ONE CARES." Shelly's reply, loud with less than subtle hints of random anger. That meant things were just fine. Stan's parents must've asked her to baby sit again. Not that it had any real value since Stan technically was no longer a "baby" and Shelley wouldn't even be watching him if he was.

Stan huffed and puffed his way to Kyle's house while having horrible vivid flashbacks to basketball tryouts.

RUN. MARSH. RUN. 1 MILE TO GO. 1 MILE TO GO. IF YOU CANNOT COMPLETE THIS COURSE YOU MIGHT AS WELL GO BACK HOME TO YOUR MAMA. THERE WILL BE NO TEARS. THERE WILL BE NO SWEAT. THERE WILL BE NO MERCY. IF THERE'S GOING TO BE ANY TYPE OF LIQUID IT'S GOING TO BE THEIR BLOOD ON YOUR JERSEY AFTER EVERY SINGLE GAME. DO YOU HEAR ME?

….Man. That coach was insane. No wonder he got fired last quarter. However, he had taught Stan to run a full mile pretty fast and that proved to be useful at times like now.

Stan got to Kyle's house, panting and using the rest of his strength to pathetically knock on the door.

"Kyle…Kyle…Let me…Oh God…Kyle…."

Craig and Tweek's PDA earlier in the library went through his head, except it was him and Kyle. Lucky for Stan he was playing the part of Tweek…

"Stan? Haha. You look like crap."

_Why thank you Kyle, I love you too._

"Well, I just kinda' ran over here. I didn't wanna' be late or anything."

"My prince charming." Kyle smiled and opened the door wider to reveal his living room behind.

"So that makes you my princess then?" Stan stepped inside and grabbed Kyle around the waist pulling him closer. Years of Super Best Friendship permitted him to do that without it being "too close for comfort".

"Actually since you're the one who needs the help, that kinda' makes you," Kyle swung his leg around hitting Stan behind his knees, Stan crumpled and Kyle took the opportunity to scoop up Stan's legs into his arms, "My princess."

Stan laughed as Kyle's face held a confused expression.

"Dude, all your neighbors think you're gay now."

"Ah! Not again!" Kyle let go of Stan to shut the door. Stan gracefully fell to the floor on his back and writhed in pain for a good minute and a half while Kyle ranted about how the neighbors thought he was gay last year and gave him advice on how to come out to his parents.

"And they did it all the time! They'd hint at it during dinners!" Kyle tried to imitate a feminine voice with a slightly Southern accent. "Is there somethin' you would like to announce to the rest of us 'ere Kyle? You know, there's no shame in being who you err, as long as you're proud of you." Kyle started to shake his head.

"You have no idea how crazy things got whenever I announced my enjoyment of bacon. It made someone cry every time."

Stan stood up in front of Kyle with a hand on his spine.

"Oh! I'm sorry dude! Are you okay?"

Stan smirked. "Silly Kyle, when you're in varsity everything's okay! Pain does not exist."

Kyle smirked back.

They stood there smirking at each other. Stan wanted so badly to lean in closer, just a little closer…

"Do you wanna' go to my room now?"

"YES." Stan replied sounding a bit too eager in the creepy kind of way.

"I mean yeah, sure."

"Alright, let's go." Kyle led the way up the stairs; Stan still held a hand on his spine and trailed after him into his room.

Kyle waited for Stan to go inside before soundlessly shutting the door behind him and taking a seat on his bed. Stan was about to join him when-

"Oh no no no. Let me hear your soliloquy 1st."

"Seriously? Doesn't that kinda' mess up the 12 Steps of Kyle's help?"

Kyle looked annoyed. "Stan, this is a project that actually involves talking. So, I've gotta' hear it."

Stan sighed. "Fine, fine." He walked to the center of Kyle's bedroom. In a dedicated fashion, Kyle watched his every move like he was already judging Stan's performance.

"I wrote this soliloquy myself. It's from the viewpoint of someone in love with someone who's totally oblivious."

"Cliché." Kyle chimed in then waved his hand for Stan to continue.

Stan's heart sunk, Kyle had just called his love for him "cliché".

Kyle caught sight of Stan's solemn flash.

"Hey it's okay. There were like a million clichés in class, it was English Renaissance mania. At least your cliché is original."

"My cliché is original?" Stan inquired smiling at Kyle's contradiction.

"You suck dude." Kyle flipped Stan off playfully then put his hands back on the bed before cueing Stan.

"And action."


	9. It's Business Time

"I love you I suppose as anyone has ever loved anyone else, like the rest of me my love is ordinary unlike any part of you. When I speak of you it's magnificent, spectacular, fantastic and wonderful and I know the World stops to listen. When I speak of me it's bland, boring, expected and usually timed by the few who hear it.

I love you I suppose as anyone has ever loved anyone else, like the rest of me my love isn't perfect, unlike any part of you. Your smile lights up arenas, mine adds nothing to the darkness. Your laughter cheers on the crowds, mine fades away with Mother Nature's quiet sighs. With all your grace and calm you can challenge the tides, pushing them back into their oceans without a moment's pause. I would easily fall into that ocean and be swept away like another piece of the sea. And like the miracle you are, you would try to save a lesser blessing because that's all you ever saw fit for me, salvation.

I love you I suppose as anyone has ever loved anyone else, reckless and apprehensive, mistaken without a mistake, trapped in no trap at all, lost but found 10 times over inside your eyes. You told me to follow my heart. And I did, I promise you I would not be here if I did not. Here by your side, here alone and yet still here. For I know if I were not here I would not be anywhere. How could one exist with such a hole in their heart? I would rather have my heart broken right now, this instant by you than ever live the rest of my life breaking it by my own accord. I came here for an answer, yes or no. For such a simple question it feels like my soul is ripping from my body, lingering until the words come from your lips. Love me, love me, love me as I have loved you. Oh Supernatural! I am asking you to love mediocrity the way mediocrity have loved you! Eternally, faithfully and forever until the end of our Universe, until the end of our Sun, until the end of all creation, say yes, I do and I always will."

Stan stopped and placed the soliloquy with Cartman's (Kenny's) list under it on a desk behind him.

"That's definitely not 10 minutes. I wonder how long I can stretch it out without anyone noticing." Stan laughed and went to sit down next to Kyle on his bed.

"So what did you think?" Stan nudged Kyle's arm.

Kyle had gone eerily stone-like. Stan was about to nudge him again when Kyle began to smile.

"How long have you been dating Jasmine?"

"Who's Jasmine?" Stan waited for an answer confused. "I'm not dating anyone."

"Right, that's why you froze when you saw her today." Kyle's smile quickly went away.

"I'm just hurt dude. Why didn't you tell me?"

"If I was dating someone Kyle you would be the 1st to know." Stan held up his index finger. "But I'm not. Why does it matter so much anyways?"

"That was a really good soliloquy." Kyle shrugged then smiled again. "Have you seen her sister?" Kyle began to nod. "Oh yeah."

"You're hotter."

….Holy crap. Did Stan just say that out loud?

Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.

"The hottest." Kyle shot back jokingly and stood up. Stan let go of a sigh of relief silently, Kyle had just taken it as a joke. Stan sighed again; this wasn't exactly a win-win situation.

"Where are you going? I thought you were going to help me with my project!"

_Where are you going? I thought you said you loved me!_

Stan thought he sounded pathetic.

"Stan, I don't think I've really helped you with a project since 6th grade." Kyle headed towards his door. "In fact, why do you keep coming back?"

_Because I love you._ _Duh._

"Hope." Stan got up from Kyle's bed.

"Hope is the worst of evils, for it prolongs the torments of man." Kyle looked at Stan. "Or in this case, you." Kyle grinned, opened the door and left his room.

Stan proceeded to follow.

"Seriously, where is everybody getting these quotes?"

Stan muttered under his breath as he followed Kyle down the steps.

By the time Stan had completed the venture, he could hear Kyle in the kitchen.

Stan entered the living room and sat down on the couch while halfheartedly searching for the TV remote under the pillows. After a few more excursions, he found it between the seats. He pressed down on the power button and mentally prepared himself for some mind numbing entertainment.

"Hello and good evening, I'm Rachel Waters. In the news today there have been reports of millions missing from Anderson & Anderson. The money seems to have disappeared overnight. Anderson Sr. is currently being investigated for money laundering and theft-"

Stan turned the channel. Too serious.

"And that's how you make Tuna Casserole! Easy right? Yeah! And after a quick commercial break, we'll be back teaching you how to make delicious gourmet meals for 1/4th the price with Dave Garrell!"

Click. Not interested.

"How could you do this to me Tony? Do you have any idea how much I love you? Why don't you ever listen to me! All I ever wanted was for us to be together, in a heartless world I was willing to give you my heart, this was our future and you threw it all away for Madeline? I don't think you even realize how much you've lost-"

Click. Too dramatic.

"Welcome back to Blow Stuff Up in Slow Motion!"

Yes. Oh yes. Stan put the remote down on the armrest and got more comfortable in his seat. A few minutes later he heard some mumbling and rattling from the kitchen.

"Hey, my Mom called. She said her and Dad won't be back for the weekend, they're going over to one of my Mom's old college friend's reunion parties. Ike's sleeping over at Mrs. Lee's with that freaky kid he always hangs around. Do you wanna' crash? Oh," Kyle put his ear back to the receiver. "And do you want something to eat?"

_Do you know what you want?_

Stan felt a surge of familiarity in Kyle's voice and his conscious had made a connection. Georgina, the lady who was as beautiful as a model working in a high school cafeteria and Kyle the guy who was the epitome of immaculate hanging out with Stan, some things didn't make sense. _But just because they didn't make sense didn't mean they weren't right._

Stan decided to do it. He knew if he didn't try for Kyle today, he wouldn't try for Kyle tomorrow. He might not try for Kyle ever and he had to try for Kyle, because Kyle was. Kyle was. Kyle was **his** and no Ivy League prep queen of pop man-eating easy popular cheerleader was going to have him _ever, _with all apologies to Jasmine's sister. He hadn't even met her and Kyle said nothing about her being any of the things Stan just thought about her.

"I'll be right back okay?"

"I'll take that as a yes." Kyle used his reply to Stan as the same one to his Mom's inquiry about Stan's being in his house over the weekend.

Stan raced upstairs and grabbed the list off the desk. He locked himself in Kyle's bathroom, leaned his back on the sink, hesitated once then began to read:

Step 1.

_This better work._


	10. Nowhere On The Schedule

Kyle sat with his legs folded on the couch; he had popcorn in a big plastic bowl by his side. He smashed a handful of popcorn into his mouth and stared at the TV.

He didn't turn it on.

Stan watched him from the entryway silently until announcing his return into the living room.

"Back."

"Hey." Kyle waved his hand then patted a seat on the couch next to him signaling for Stan to sit down.

Stan accepted the offer. He reached for the remote-

"No. Don't. I wanna' talk about something."

Stan pulled his arm back into the couch. His hands started to fidget while his foot tapped nervously away on the carpet. There's no way Kyle could've figured him out _that_ easily.

"When we're done I promise you can watch all the TV you want." Kyle smiled then exhaled heavily.

_Or flirt with you all I want, _Stan's mind was still devious despite his body's restless behavior. He imagined playing in Kyle's hair while Kyle sat in Stan's lap trying relentlessly to give him a hickey.

"Do you think something's wrong with me?"

Well, that was unexpected. How could Stan answer him without completely giving himself away?

"You're perfect Kyle."

_Yes, that was totally the right answer Stan; because that's what best friends tell each other all the time. It's totally not romantic or anything. _Stan was mentally scolding himself with a sarcastic tone.

"Yeah but you think everyone's perfect." Kyle laughed.

"No, just you."

_What the-What is wrong with you? Why would you. How could you. _Stan was ignoring his conscience at this point. He also made a mental note to check in with a psychiatrist, should you really feel guilty about ignoring _yourself_?

"There's nothing perfect about me Stan." Kyle laughed again. "I think you're just confused. You see, perfect usually means someone without faults, being Kyle Broflovski by definition means having faults pretty much everywhere." Kyle stopped. "Except with you."

Stan felt himself starting to blush; he desperately tried to get rid of the pinkish hue coming to his cheeks.

"It's just that well, I feel sorta' out of the relationship loop you know? I haven't even had my 1st official highschool girlfriend yet."

Stan's stomach churned at the word _girlfriend._ Why did he need a girlfriend? Why couldn't he be happy with a Stanfriend? Wait. A boyfriend. That's what Stan meant, boyfriend.

"It doesn't matter dude." Stan shrugged while trying to emphasize the non-importance of a highschool relationship.

"I just don't wanna' end up a loser. What if me not being with anyone in highschool defines how I'm going to be for the rest of my life? The guy who talks about girls but never gets any? Dude, that sucks." Kyle picked up another handful of popcorn and stuffed it into his mouth.

"Seriously? Kyle you could go up to any girl you wanted like that." Stan snapped in an attempt to signify speed.

Kyle snapped back. "And that's how fast I'd get rejected."

Stan snapped again. "And that's how fast one of her hot friends would go for you."

Kyle snapped. "And that's how fast I'd start stuttering like an idiot."

Stan snapped. "And that's how fast she'd think your stuttering was crazy smooth."

Kyle snapped. "And that's how fast she'd realize it might be a serious birth defect that may affect our children."

In a moment of flawless haphazard, Stan attacked Kyle sending popcorn flying.

"Hey! Woah! The popcorn!"

There was popcorn everywhere as Stan lay on top of Kyle. He was holding Kyle's arms straight above his head. The popcorn bowl lingered over the side of the couch; Stan and Kyle were right under it.

"Stan! Ow!"

"Say that you're the hottest thing on Earth and everyone wants you!"

Kyle groaned. "This is a horrible way to help with my self-esteem man. We couldn't have just like had an Oprah session on the couch?"

"SAY IT."

Kyle complied. "I'm the hottest thing on Earth and everyone wants me."

"Again." Stan was smiling, enjoying this more than he should've been.

"I'm the hottest thing on Earth and everyone-"

The plastic bowl fell and hit Stan on the head, which in turn caused him to lower his head in a tinge of surprise, which in turn caused his lips to meet Kyle's for a split second before Stan brought his mouth away.

"…Wants me." Kyle finished the sentence calmly.

"I am so sorry." Stan stood up and staggered back onto the couch; he picked the popcorn bowl up off the floor and placed it on a table beside him.

He awkwardly held out a hand for Kyle to help him stand up. Kyle accepted.

"Whoah, a jock wants me. Self esteem RAISED." Kyle went over to the table and grabbed the popcorn bowl and the remote. He handed the remote to Stan. "I'ma go make some more popcorn. Actually no, that's a bad idea." Kyle smirked. "I'ma go make a sandwich, a delicious, nutritious, slightly vicious sandwich. Would you like one too? I know how hungry you get after our makeout sessions."

Stan was dying on the inside. What if he had kissed Kyle and _meant_ it? Then Stan felt a sense of relief wash over him. What if he had kissed Kyle and meant it? If Kyle didn't feel the same and he probably didn't feel the same, he would've taken it as a joke. Then came anger, Stan's love was _not_ a joke.

"Yeah, sure." Stan replied rather coldly, and then pressed the power button just as Kyle left the room.

"Penelope, do you love me? Look into my eyes and tell me you love only me."

The girl on the left side of the screen was a light blonde with dark brown highlights cascading down her shoulder-length hair. She looked at the guy on the right like his question was just stupid. "I never said I loved you."

"So this was all a joke then? This wedding? This house? Our dreams together?" The guy had gotten so upset he'd thrown a plate at the door on screen.

"Your love's a joke Gregory. How many times do I have to tell you that you can't love me? I'm not for you. You need to find your soulmate Gregory, stop wasting your time and grow up. We don't all get to grow old with our childhood sweethearts. At least get a chance to know what love is before burying yourself next to me." Gregory looked at Penelope with such intense passion Stan swore the TV was about to catch on fire. This guy should win an award. "I buried myself every day trying to convince myself otherwise. You may not be perfect but you're perfect for me. I love you Penelope and there isn't a damned thing you can do about it." Gregory proceeded to pull Penelope closer and press his mouth aggressively against hers.

"Hey Stan do you want wheat bread or white?"

"White." Stan called out to the question.

_And there isn't a damned thing you can do about it._

Stan turned the TV off and went into the kitchen.

"Ello." Kyle smiled and passed Stan his sandwich on a plate.

Stan had the urge to throw it, or maybe that was just his inner child wanting to copy what he just saw on TV. The way the plate had crashed did look pretty cool. It would probably look cooler in slow motion. Stan brought himself back to his original list-oriented thoughts.

**Step 1. Higher Interest=Higher Gain**

Kenny had written something under the title akin to "if you like them as a potential, let them know you're interested, if you like them as a potential one night stand, pretend that you're interested."

Stan put his hands around the sandwich.

"So Kyle, what have you been up to lately?"

"Rolling around under couches with one of the hottest boys in school. Bebe's gonna' be so jelly."

If that was true we wouldn't be having this conversation, Stan thought to himself. And since when was Kyle so hard to talk to?

"No really Kyle. Tell me." Stan put his hand on Kyle's shoulder. General physical contact was always a good way to communicate non-classified affection right?

Too bad Stan wanted it to be classified, preferably under "couple".

"Well, I'm lab partners with Craig and Tweek." Kyle took a bite out of his sandwich.

"They any good?" Stan asked.

"Haha that's funny." Kyle took another bite. "Everyday's like an episode of a middle class teenage drama. Except its real, so that actually kinda' makes it more of a reality show, and reality shows are awesome."

"What do you mean?" Stan took a bite out of his sandwich, mirroring Kyle's actions.

"Well," Kyle grinned. "There's this girl in class, I think her name's Akasha or something. It sounds super foreign. Anyways, she's obviously in love with Craig. So this one time when Tweek left the room to go to his locker because he's a spaz and totally forgot his formulas, Akasha comes over to our table all girly and acting like she's oblivious to the fact that Craig's dating someone. So she asked him out and guess who was standing right behind her?"

Kyle took a bigger bite of his sandwich.

"Tweek?" Stan replied confidently.

"Nope. Emily and she's been in love with Tweek for like forever right? So she walks away like she didn't hear anything and as soon as Tweek gets back she spins him this story about how Craig was dating Akasha behind his back. So Tweek starts freaking out right? So Emily has the nerve to kiss him, like _that_ was going to calm him down. Craig goes ballistic and calls Emily things I didn't even know were insults before dude. Then he drops to his knees and starts to profess his undying love right in front of the class, which was pretty gay, literally. Then he turns to Emily and says "and if anyone ever tries to touch Tweek again I swear to God I'll kill them". It was e-p-i-c. EPIC." Kyle finished his sandwich valiantly. Stan had about a bite left of his.

"Where was Mr. Harlson?"

"Absent but he left an assignment."

"Huh." Stan took his last bite. "So what else is up?"

"Well remember when I was being all weird in the living room and talking about highschool and how I'm going to end up with 56 cats?"

_I also remember when I was on top of you._

"Yeah." Stan laughed. Kyle must have recalled a completely different conversation, no one mentioned anything about the cats.

"Well it's because…I….like someone."

"Who?" Stan had the right to sound enthralled. He was hoping Kyle wouldn't notice the difference between enthralled and terrified.

"Guess."

"Jasmine's older sister?"

Kyle shook his head. "You're a horrible guesser. I'm going to call Wheel of Fortune and tell them to never let you on the show. Jeopardy too while I'm at it."

Stan rolled his eyes. "Ha. Ha. Kyle. Seriously, who?"

"I don't wanna' say."

"Because?"

"Because," Kyle paused. "I don't wanna' jinx it."

Stan mumbled his understanding.

"It's just," Kyle continued, "What if someone meant the World to you? But you barely existed in theirs?"

_You should never have to love someone who doesn't think the World of you. _

"You should never have to love someone who doesn't think the World of you."

Stan repeated his thoughts and put his hand on top of Kyle's, another slight gesture.

"Do you think the World of me Stan?"

_Yes._

_**Yes.**_

**Yes.**

The phone rang before Stan could get his answer out, Kyle shifted to his left to pick it up.

"Broflovski residence? Oh hey Kenny. Sure you can come over it's just me and Stan. Seriously? Cartman _has_ to come? Ugh, fine fine. But only because you asked. Alright see you in a few." Kyle curtly hung up the phone and smiled at Stan.

"Cartman and Kenny are on their way over here."

_No._

_**No.**_

**No.**

**NO.**


	11. Lest We Forget The Physical

"Get out." Stan hissed at Cartman and Kenny who were sitting down on the couch. Stan stood on the other side of the living room.

"Well that's kinda' rude Marsh. I mean we make the trip over here to hang out-"

"Get out." Stan hissed again, this time staring directly at Cartman.

"Calm down Stan, seriously." Kenny said contentedly. "It's not like we busted in on your meth lab or something."

Stan pressed his lips into a line.

"…Did we?" Kenny joked quietly.

"No, we were just talking about something before you two called." Stan sighed. "Something really important. Kyle's just too nice."

"What were you two discussing?" Cartman leaned forward, closed the space between his palms and started to tap his fingers together menacingly. Stan began to wonder why Cartman was doing this, _really._ Cartman's answer about needing to make someone truly happy was pure bull. However, Stan couldn't see what else Cartman could get out of him and Kyle coupling other than the fact…that him and Kyle would be a couple….

"Cartman, I need to talk to you." Stan grabbed Cartman by his jacket and started to pull him out of the room.

"Hey! Hey!" Were the only words of protest Cartman got out as he was pulled along by Stan ruthlessly into the kitchen.

"Cartman what is this?"

"What is what?" Cartman said as he flattened out the part of his shirt Stan had tugged on. It was all…poofy.

"This, This wanting me to be with Kyle thing. This wanting to help someone thing. You never want to actually help people without something being in it for you. So what do you get? How much do you get?"

Cartman looked dejected.

"Why can't you just appreciate my help? You would've never even tried for Kyle without me because you don't have any b-a-l-l-s." Stan clenched his fists.

"Anyways," Cartman caught a glimpse of Stan's fists, "I know this girl named Theodora. We usually have these weekly conversations about school wide gossip because it's nice to know who not to piss off on a daily basis and it's nice to know whose mind is putty and ready to use for ulterior services. You'd be surprised how many are willing to pay for revenge. She's like my business update reel, she even gets a cut." Cartman leaned back against the kitchen counter.

"So she asks me if I want to be a part of her next business venture. It's called the Couple Bet. Original name yeah? So she goes around asking people who they think are going to get together next and the final choice has the highest number of votes. Guess who won?"

Stan raised an eyebrow. "Me and Kyle?"

"Yep. The best part is people bet their own cash either for it or against it. Most people voted against, me and Theodora betted for. Just like a casino my friend, the house is always in control."

Stan shook his head in disbelief. "Not only did you lie to get me to go along with this, you're scamming school wide now? Jesus Cartman, pretty soon you'll be in office."

Cartman shrugged. "It's really just a matter of time."

"Okay but what if I wasn't interested?"

"You want to pound him so bad it makes me want to regurgitate." Cartman made a gagging sound. "I'm surprised you weren't dry humping him when Kenny and I got here."

"What? There's no way I'm that obvious."

Cartman simpered and then imitated a high-pitched girl like voice. "Oh hey Kyle, I'm just gonna' sit wayyyy too close to you and almost in your lap because we're best friends.

Hey Kyle is it okay if I play in your hair? You know I'm only doing it because we're best friends. Hey Kyle do you wanna' sleepover in my bed? It's fine because we're best friends. Hey Kyle do you wanna' change in the locker room together, we're Super Best Friends so it's okay if we see each other half-naked while no one else is around. Hey Kyle-"

"I do **not** sound like that." Stan replied abruptly. "And I'm not that obvious!"

"But you are Stan, you really are." Cartman said deadpan. "The only reason Kyle doesn't see it is because he's as oblivious as you are obvious but that's okay," Cartman headed out the kitchen. "Because he'll figure it out soon enough. I suggest you move on to Step No. 2 Stan, that is if you've even started."

Stan scowled then hustled up the stairs. He once again locked himself in Kyle's bathroom and took out the list.

**Step 2. Physical Makes Perfect**

Stan summed it up for himself as he headed back downstairs. Make Kyle feel wanted physically, make Kyle feel wanted physically. It still sounded so wrong; he wanted Kyle to feel loved not like he just wanted to "pound him" as Cartman had so gingerly put it.

"Dude, where have you been?" Kyle's voice rang out to him from the living room.

"Where are Kenny and Cartman?"

"Oh, they went out to the backyard, something about plotting."

_Crap._

"You wanna' watch something?"

"Yeah, sure." Stan went over to Kyle and sat down. He slowly placed his hand around Kyle's shoulder and scooted closer to his side. Kyle had a look of contemplativeness on his face before he turned on the TV…and pressed the Mute button.

"You're hot Stan."

Out of flippin' nowhere Kyle, Stan mused to himself; he stayed silent and waited for Kyle to continue.

"What I mean is, you're really hot. Like one of the hottest guys in school. Why are you still single?"

Stan continued his silence.

"I'm sorry; apparently this couch is synonymous with awkward relationship talks." Kyle chuckled.

"No it's okay." Stan smiled at Kyle. "I'm single but I am interested in someone." Stan placed his hand on Kyle's leg.

"Really? Who?" Kyle looked shocked. "And if that's the case why aren't you with them right now? What are they blind?"

Stan smiled brighter.

_I am with them right now and yes, blind as a freakin' bat._

Stan raised his hand from Kyle's leg and tousled Kyle's hair.

"Kyle, you're beautiful."

_Double Crap. _Stan had to get control over his mouth around Kyle.

"You mean handsome right?" Kyle adjusted himself closer to Stan fitting comfortably in Stan's side.

"No. Beautiful."

_Triple Crap. _ It was much too late to stop the crap sequence now; Stan would just have to go for a full crap combo. He leaned closer into Kyle.

"Kyle is it okay if I ki-"

"KILL YOU KENNY. I'M GOING TO KILL YOU."

Kenny's laughter radiated from the backyard as he playfully ran into the house from the backdoor.

"Get it? Hose? What you and pimps have in common?!" Kenny leaped into the living room and sat beside Kyle on the couch.

"Ello Kyle." Kenny waved then got the remote and took the TV off its mute setting. Kenny's clothes were dabbed with spots of water.

Kenny instantly changed the channel until he got to a movie station. Currently playing: "Thicker Than Blood: Veronica's Revenge", it was a horror flick that came out last year. Stan could feel Kyle wrapping his arms around his waist and burying his head into his shoulder.

"Kenny you know I don't like horror movies." Kyle said speaking into Stan. Stan happily wrapped his arms around Kyle.

"Doesn't look like Stan minds." Kenny winked at Stan. Stan focused his attention on Kyle.

"If you're really scared we don't have to watch. I'll just kill Kenny and get the remote. Since Cartman said he was going to kill him anyways we can always just tell the cops he did it and he'll go to jail _forever, _probably without parole."

Kyle took his face out of Stan's shoulder and beamed up at Stan.

"Yay." Kyle grinned.

On screen a redhead in a pink tank top (that was a bit too tight) was cowering in her bedroom corner as another girl who was covered in shadows approached her, seemingly floating on air. Her black hair was sprawling across her face as if it was alive and her eyes were nothing but gray orbs.

"Please! Please! Don't kill me!" The redhead screamed.

"Funny. That's the same thing I said to you." The girl who was floating whispered. "And we all know how that ended."

"AHHHHHH AHHHHHH" Was all the redhead said as blood started to spew from her body and all across the walls of her bedroom, even the ceiling had bloody dots by the time the floating girl was through. She had mentally made the girl explode, but not like a BOOM! One shot explosion, some kind of torture explosion where she lost one limb at a time. It was horrible. Kenny loved it. Kyle had re-shoved his face into Stan, this time into his neck, he was freaking out. Stan was concerned about Cartman's lack of being there. He carefully pushed Kyle off of him and started to go out to the backyard. Stan looked back before he left, Kyle looked so _betrayed._ It weirded Stan out, all he had done was left to see if Cartman was even still alive. Maybe he melted when water came in contact with his skin.

"Fell for Kenny's hose joke?"

"Curiosity is f'n deadly." Cartman stood near Kyle's fence, attempting to air-dry his wet clothes.

"So is hypothermia. Come on." Stan held out his hand for Cartman, Cartman accepted and Stan helped him back into the house without losing his balance.

"Here comes the bride!" Kenny sang once Stan and Cartman were back inside, Stan let Cartman's hand fall.

"Stan can I talk to you?" Kyle stood up, he looked so…Angry? Was Kyle Broflovski actually angry?

"Sure." Stan was intimidated, Kyle angry was pretty rare.

"Upstairs." Kyle stormed off. Stan followed.

Once they were both inside his room Kyle slammed the door. Stan gulped.

"Cartman?" Kyle asked with a scornful tone.

"Cartman what?" Stan was genuinely confused.

"Is he the one you like? Everything you said in that crappy soliloquy was about him?"

Stan tried to cut in but Kyle raised his hand.

"I don't even know why I'm so surprised. You two were already sneaking around with each other, near the lockers, the gym the library. I just **knew** it was him. You're horrible Stan…I hate you." Kyle leaned on the door blocking Stan's way out.

"Kyle I'm _not_ dating Cartman. I told you I'm not dating anyone! Even if I was why do you care so much?"

Stan was on the defensive; Kyle just said he hated him. He was hurting more than he cared to show. Sadness was easily replaced by anger.

Kyle remained silent as he started to well up with tears. He stepped closer to Stan and hugged him, tighter than was comfortably breathable through. The 1st thing that came to mind was that Kyle was having a nervous breakdown, Cartman had indirectly triggered it. Stan awkwardly patted him on the back.

Kyle sniffled. "I don't wanna' lose you to Cartman." Kyle let his grip on Stan go loose. "Sorry for being so gay about it."

"Kyle you couldn't lose me even if you tried. I love you."

"I love you too Stan."

"No Kyle, I _really_ love you."

"I_ really_ love you too Stan."

Kyle wasn't getting it. Stan re-tightened his arms around Kyle, tilted his face towards his and pressed his lips down softly on top of Kyle's.

"Oh." Kyle murmured when the kiss was over. "You meant that kind of love."

"Are you mad?" Stan whimpered, already feeling regret.

Kyle smiled. "Actually I am, because you stopped." Kyle brought his face back up to Stan's-

"Dude Kenny and Cartman are downstairs."

"They can take care of themselves; let me take care of you." That was possibly the raunchiest thing Kyle had ever said to Stan in their years of knowing each other. Stan felt himself being pushed onto Kyle's bed with Kyle on top of him.

Then there was a crashing noise.

"Oy vey," Kyle exclaimed exasperatedly.

Stan laughed and rolled off of Kyle's bed. "Everytime you leave them alone together something retarded happens."

Kyle smirked. "And everytime you leave us alone together…" Kyle stood up behind Stan and wrapped his arms around him from behind; he slowly traced a trail down to Stan's belt.

Stan released himself from Kyle's hold.

"What's wrong Marsh?" Kyle asked. "I thought you were used to getting some after every game."

Kyle was joking but Stan felt insulted. Why was he treating him like he was just a horny jock who chased anything in a skirt?

"Let's go see what they broke." Stan opened Kyle's bedroom door and walked downstairs without checking to see if Kyle was behind him.


	12. And All These Expectations

"We didn't do ANYTHING!" Kenny screamed as Cartman was on the floor behind him, it looked like he was trying to put together a jigsaw puzzle.

"What Kenny said." Cartman's face was intense as he stared at he broken…whatever.

"Lemme see." Stan pushed past Kenny to go to Cartman. It was the remnants of a remote control.

"If I were you two," Kyle stepped up behind Stan. "I would go buy another one _now._ You have until Sunday night. Universal remotes can get pretty pricey."

"Motherfuc-"

"Sonofabi-"

"Kyle leered at them both.

"Fine, we're going we're going. It's getting late anyways." Cartman was the 1st to make his way to the door.

"This is true." Kenny followed Cartman almost in step.

"Sunday night!" Kyle exclaimed before the door shut behind them. Stan looked at the clock; it was 9:05 PM.

Interesting, it hadn't felt like Kenny and Cartman had been there that long, but maybe that was because he had been Kyle-oriented.

"And now that they're gone," Kyle grabbed Stan by the waist. "You're all mine."

Stan took Kyle's arms from around him.

"What's wrong?" Kyle said pleadingly. "I thought you wanted me."

"I do want you Kyle-"

"Then stop pushing me away." Kyle stepped in front of Stan and started to pull up Stan's shirt.

"Kyle, no."

Kyle rolled his eyes and moved past Stan.

"You're not going anywhere." Stan held onto Kyle's arm and pulled him back; he turned him around and kissed him on the forehead.

"Wouldn't you rather have a proper date just once?"

"We can have a proper date _after_." Kyle tugged on Stan's belt.

Stan was trying his hardest not to give in, Kyle was the biggest temptation he ever had to face. Why was Kyle so good at this?

"Kyle have you done this before?" Stan looked down at Kyle.

"Maybe. Maybe not." Kyle put his hands on Stan's chest.

All over Stan's chest.

"I want you." Kyle whispered.

"Kyle you sound like a grade-A slut right now. Do you hear yourself?"

"I like being Stan's slut." Kyle laughed then tried to kiss Stan on the neck.

Stan let go of Kyle completely.

"Dude what's wrong with you?" Stan asked; it was like Kyle wasn't Kyle anymore. Just some guy who wanted to sleep with him, badly.

"What's wrong with me? You just told your best friend you're in love with him."

Ouch.

Stan saw Kyle's eyes flash regret.

"Stan I'm sorry I didn't mean it that way-"

"If you're not comfortable with me, with us, then maybe we just shouldn't even try."

Stan's heart was breaking after he said that. If Kyle took him seriously he didn't know what he'd do.

"Of course I'm comfortable. I love you."

Stan could feel himself being put back together.

"I love you too _my_ Kyle."

"Oh? Possessive? Are you like that in bed too?"

"**Kyle."** Stan's voice was a lot more serious than he was right now. He was already getting used to Kyle's perversion.

"Sorry sorry. By the way, I accept your date." Kyle smiled.

"Good." Stan smiled back at him.

"Are you sure you don't want any of this though, before hand?" Kyle gyrated his hips once.

Stan ignored the question

I'm going to your room now." Stan walked towards the steps. "Coming with me milady?"

"Sir you must be mistaken. I only associate with gentlemen of the court." Kyle had put on a posh British accent.

"And I milady only deal with gentlewomen of the court." Stan held Kyle's hand,

"Isn't that just grand?"

Kyle laughed, nodded then headed upstairs with Stan trailing behind.

"What's your favorite position?" Kyle said as Stan closed the bedroom door; Kyle lay on his stomach, horizontally over his bed.

"Kyle we aren't discussing this." Stan answered sternly.

"Lame." Kyle stuck his tongue out at Stan.

Stan went to lie beside Kyle.

"So this is how you are in a relationship huh?"

"No. You never asked me to be in a relationship with you." Kyle said serious.

"This is more like freelance dating. In a relationship I don't rush into the physical because I don't _have_ to. I still expect them to be there in the morning."

"Is that why you've been trying to get me in bed?" Stan said.

"Well yeah! You never really asked me to be your boyfriend. I kinda' guessed after you just told me I was beautiful and you loved me that it was nothing more than physical right?"

"Kyle I didn't get the chance to ask you-"

"Yes." Kyle smiled.

"I wasn't even asking you that time-"

"Yes Stan Marsh I will be your boyfriend forever and ever."

"Kyle! I wanna' actually ask you the question-"

"Oh? You want me to marry you? How romantic!"

Stan sighed and gave up. Instead, he wanted to ask Kyle about their date tomorrow. He knew where to take Kyle to hang out but not where to take him on a date.

"So what do you wanna' do-"

"I do."

Kyle softly kissed Stan and tenderly traced out the letters "l-o-v-e" on Stan's back. Stan smiled and traced out the letters "m-i-n-e" on Kyle's.

"Kyle Broflovski, will you be my boyfriend?" Stan asked quietly between kissing.

Kyle subtly nodded into another kiss.


	13. What Will The Neighbors Think?

Stan woke up next to Kyle; the Sun was shining into Kyle's bedroom causing Stan to see bright red and yellow whenever he closed his eyes. He got up softly and went over to the window.

"Stan?" Kyle stirred.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you." Stan went back to the bed and gently caressed Kyle's hair.

"But you did and waking me up is worth 25 to life." Kyle playfully pulled Stan back into the bed.

"Do you know what they do to guys like me in prison?" Stan asked pretending to sound horrified.

"Probably something like this." Kyle kissed Stan roughly and sloppy with his arms still entangled between the sheets. Stan didn't reject him but he did start to laugh.

"What? Didn't remind you of prison enough?"

"Dude, all your neighbors _know_ you're gay now." Stan pointed to the open window.

Kyle sighed heavily.

"Why does this keep happening to me?"

Stan ignored Kyle's question and started to kiss his neck attempting to give him a hickey.

"And what happened to Mr. Proper date?"

Stan paused. "This has nothing to do with that. I'm just marking you so no one else thinks they can have you, it's part of life's natural cycle. National Geographic said so."

"Did National Geographic also happen to mention how mating is part of life's natural cycle too? And how if you don't mate with your boyfriend soon he's going to be the laughing stock of the animal kingdom?"

"No, but they did have a special on Meerkats, or should I say the best animals ever?" Stan said while trailing kisses up and down Kyle's face.

"Meerkats? Why?" Kyle asked.

"Because they're awesome that's why."

"Awesome-r than me?"

"Kyle I'm sorry but you can't compete with a Meerkat. They just have this coolness that like radiates from 'em when you look at 'em. It's like trying to make Wesley Snipes _more_ badass. See how impossible that is?" Stan said very matter of factly.

"But are they cuter than me?" Kyle pouted; Stan flicked Kyle's nose.

"You just want me to tell you how perfect you are, because believe me Kyle you _are_ perfect."

"And there's not one single thing you would change about me?"

"There's not one single thing I would change about my Kyle, no."

Kyle nodded. "I trust you."

Stan winked. "Who wouldn't?"

Kyle laughed and pounced on top of Stan pinning his arms above his head.

"Kyleeee." Stan whined while halfheartedly trying to get Kyle off of him.

"Mmmm?" Kyle replied while he kissed Stan's chest through his shirt.

"I love you." Stan smiled and wrapped his arms around Kyle bringing him down on top of him, ruining Kyle's momentum.

Later on while Kyle was taking a shower (he had invited Stan to join him but Stan had declined the offer) Stan was downstairs messing around in the backyard. He smiled remembering how disgusted Cartman looked while he tried to air-dry himself near the fence; that was probably the fondest memory he had of Cartman by far. He went back inside and decided to call Cartman and tell him the good news, he was with Kyle and Cartman had won all his bets. Stan pondered on the list, did it really help him? Really? Was everything so tightly connected? Probably not. Did Cartman give him that list expecting him and Kyle to get together anyways? Probably seeing how there were only 3 steps on it, Stan hadn't even gotten to the last one yet. You never knew what Cartman was planning to bank on but Stan knew he always invested _smart._

Stan was in the kitchen dialing.

Ring. Ring. Ring.

Cartman pick up your phone.

Kyle appeared by Stan's side like a magician during the last part of his disappearing act.

"Who ya' callin'?"

"Cartman." Stan said and started to tap his fingers sporadically on the counter.

Kyle scowled.

"About what?"

"Stuff. Actually, it's kinda' an inside thing." Stan's hands went from tapping on the counter to running through Kyle's hair.

"Stan I'm the only guy you should have anything inside." Kyle blushed.

"I mean, inside with, like secrets? You know?" Kyle tried to cover himself by looking down at the ground to hide the pink flush coming over him.

"I know what you meant, don't worry." Stan tilted up Kyle's head. "You're adorable you know that?"

"Stan I don't care how intoxicated you are I'm not going to let you come over just because you couldn't get any from Kyle." Cartman's voice was on the other line.

"No thanks Cartman; your services are no longer needed." Stan's voice was cheery and probably annoyingly content in Cartman's opinion.

"Wow that's horrible. Maybe I shouldn't have helped you after all if I'm going to be stuck around "adorable" for the rest of how ever long you two manage to stay together."

"Thanks Cartman." Stan took that as a congratulatory phrase from Cartman. Cartman rarely said congratulations and when he did you had to decipher whether it was really more of an insult or not.

"So why'd you call?"

"Just lettin' you know."

"Kay. Welp, I have to call Theodora and let her know how insanely rich we're going to be. Oh and Stan?"

"Yeah?"

"....Good luck." Cartman quickly hung up the phone.

Wow. A good luck from Cartman had to be worth something, the only other time he had told Stan good luck was….never.

Kyle waited for Stan to put the phone back on the receiver.

"That was it?"

"Haha yeah, guess so."

Kyle looked like he was about to cry.

"Kyle? What's wrong?"

"What services?" Kyle said softly after a few moments of dead silence passed by.

Why hadn't Stan planned for this? He knew Kyle was going to ask eventually. Crap. Crap. Crap. Damn.

"Well….we…err….we found out we had something in common and he helped me with it." Stan stumbled across his words, at least he wasn't lying…kinda'.

Stan wanted to be with Kyle and Cartman **wanted** Stan to be with Kyle, it was practically the same thing…kinda'.

"You didn't mention anything last night…Oh! Is that what you two talked about when you were with him in the backyard?"

_No._

"Yeah."

Kyle smiled. "I can't believe this, I've only been with you for a day and I'm already jealous of another guy. What's wrong with me?"

"You're selfish." Stan pecked Kyle on the cheek.

"No, just greedy." Kyle pecked Stan back, except on the lips.

And that was when Stan realized Kyle was only wearing boxer shorts.

"What the-", Stan said as he looked Kyle up and down, boxer shorts and white socks. Yeah, the socks really helped.

"Why are you 2/3rd's naked?" Stan asked while his eyes scanned the room for something he could put around Kyle.

"Was I supposed to be 3/3rd's?" Kyle started to pull down his shorts and Stan grabbed Kyle's wrists. Kyle smiled mischievously and air humped in Stan's general direction.

Why was it that everytime Stan said no things got more extreme?

"Proper date 1st." Stan let go of Kyle's wrists and Kyle looked disappointed.

"That was my next to last desperate attempt you know?" Kyle shook his head. "Now I'm just going to walk around the house naked."

"Kyle I just don't wanna' rush into this, can you respect that? Please?"

Kyle was quiet during his contemplation. He then answered through gritted teeth "Yes."

After spending hours watching TV. Playing video games and suffering (not really) random makeout attacks from Kyle, Stan knew where he wanted to take Kyle for their date.

"A dinner and a movie? It took you that long to come up with a dinner and a movie? You're such a spaz Stan." Kyle said after Stan had given his suggestion; Kyle started to get up from the couch while grinning wildly.

"Ouch. Sorry I'm no Enrique Iglesias." Stan's reply as he too started to get up from the couch.

"Enrique…Iglesias? What does he have to do with- I love you Stan." Kyle was already jumping towards the steps.

"I'm gonna' go get ready! Be right back!" Kyle yelled back to Stan.

Stan folded his arms and smirked.

Then he unfolded his arms and his eyes unconsciously widened.

Holy crap, Stan thought, How do you impress Kyle Broflovski on a date?

_Hahaha you're screwed_ was the only response his conscience had to offer.

I know, Stan answered, Royally.


	14. First Timers

Kenny was shuffling his feet back and forth trying to keep warm while he waited in the ticket line for the movie theater. Not to mention trying to avert his attention away from Craig and Tweek standing in front of him, arms around each other. It's like, wherever he went they showed up there too flaunting their romance and making god awful remarks about what they liked about each other.

"I love your hair Tweek. I would say it's like gold but nothing about you is like gold because you're priceless."

"I love your eyes Craig. They're like-", that's how far Tweek usually got before Craig would kiss him again and ask him to marry him. Tweek would say yes and giggle and Craig would smile triumphantly.

Kenny was seriously starting to consider suicide in that line, but it was probably because he was so damn bitter.

"Kenny, I think we should break up. It's not you! It's me! Heavens to Betsy knows it's me! I just don't think I wanna' be in a relationship right now. Gee. I'm sorry."

Kenny's heart was freshly broken. He raced to the movie theater mostly to numb himself from the pain. He really did love Butters, even more than he had really realized. Somehow the World felt bigger facing it alone.

"Ey! Kenny!"

Kenny heard his name and turned around to see Cartman hastily walking towards him. Cartman went under the red velvet rope and stood in front of Kenny.

"Where's the other half of your gay?" Cartman was referring to Butters. Kenny caught his breath. "We're over."

"Over? Really? Huh. That was kinda'…"

"Fast?" Kenny finished Cartman's sentence for him.

"No. Unexpected." Cartman corrected Kenny's assumption. Kenny wanted…**needed** to change the subject.

"So how'd that list thing go?"

"What?" Cartman was momentarily distracted looking around the movie theater at the different posters. One of them had a man dressed in a black tuxedo holding a red rose. He was standing on the title "Deadly Charm". That's when Cartman noticed the man was holding a gun behind his back; he could see the tip of it with the glare.

"I said how'd the list thing go?" Kenny repeated.

"Oh, it worked."

Great, another happy couple roaming the planet; Kenny tried to shrug off his jealousy.

"Good for them then I guess." Kenny said nonchalantly hoping Cartman didn't hear the envy in his words.

"Yep. So I bought the universal remote for Kyle's TV today." Cartman said.

"Really? You already bought it? I thought we were going to go halfsies."

"Nah. I know money's kinda' tight for you…so…"

Kinda' tight? Kenny thought. Since when did Cartman no longer use the word "poor"?

"Well, thanks." Kenny grinned and punched Cartman lightly on the shoulder.

"Welcome. Hey what movie did you wanna' watch? And please don't say "Deadly Charm"." Cartman cringed at the thought of sitting through it.

"Actually watching someone kill romance might be good for me." Kenny sighed as Craig wrapped his arm around Tweek from behind.

"I can be your hero baby; I can kiss away the pain. I will stand by you forever; you can take my breath away." Cartman was singing into Kenny's ear. Kenny started to laugh.

"What the hell dude. You fail at serenading."

"Pfsh. Jealous opinions don't count." Cartman beamed. Kenny beamed back as Cartman stepped in front of him and took out his wallet preparing to pay for the movie tickets.

Then Kenny realized he was about to watch a movie with **Cartman**, he was free from Kyle's universal remote TV debt thanks to **Cartman, **he had been asked about his life by **Cartman **and he was still beaming at a gag performed by **Cartman.**

Oh no. Oh God no.

Stan and Kyle arrived at the theater at around 7pm. Stan was quietly pulling out his wallet in line while Kyle seemingly pranced around him.

"I'm so excited! Our 1st date!"

Stan smirked. "I think we already ruined it for ourselves Kyle. It's not like you're getting your 1st kiss or anything after the movie."

Kyle stopped his prancing. "I've never kissed anyone before dude."

Stan's jaw dropped. "….What?"

Kyle grinned. "Never been kissed I swear."

"Oh right because this morning when you were trying to inhale my tongue-"

"Just play along Stannie? Please?"

_Stannie. I'm Stannie Now._ Stan shrugged at the nickname.

"Fine fine. What movie do you wanna' see?" Stan couldn't stand Kyle pleading for long.

"Hmmm. That one." Kyle pointed to a poster labeled "Deadly Charm".

"….Seriously?" Stan was in disbelief. Nothing about that movie looked awesome. 1st of all the guy on the poster was holding a rose out in one hand with a gun behind his back that you couldn't see if there wasn't any glare from the lights.

When did Hollywood just stop trying?

Stan didn't even want to get started on the actors.

"Yeah seriously." Kyle pulled on Stan's hand, the one that wasn't holding his wallet.

"Whatever makes my Kylie happy."

Kyle scoffed. "Kylie's a horrible nickname. Kylie's a _real_ name. It's also a _girl's_ name."

"Whatever you say Kylie." Stan grinned widely.

"I hate it when you-," Kyle caught himself. "I love everything about you."

Stan was frozen or rather caught off guard. He felt a slight blush coming to his cheeks.

"I…I…I…" Stan had no idea why he was stuttering right now. Maybe his subconscious had taken Kyle's suggestion that they pretend they were on their 1st date seriously.

Then he heard a familiar laugh. It was coming from the front of the ticket counter. He attempted to stretch his neck peering over the people who were ahead of him and also blocking his view; he could see all the way to the end or "front" of the line.

It was Kenny. And it was _Cartman._ Together, it seemed. No Butters and no I've-seen-them-in-the-hallway-once-or-twice beside Cartman.

Stan could only think of three words. Oh. My. God.

"Dude check out the front of the line." He patted Kyle excitedly on the shoulder.

"Stan I don't care if it's the hottest chick you've ever seen…or guy. Or whatever. In fact I'm not even okay with you checking out other people-".

"No no! LOOK!" Stan patted faster as if it would convince Kyle to act out Stan's words.

Kyle started to stand on the tips of his toes and darted his eyes back and forth until he saw what, who, Stan was so amazed about.

"Holy. Whoah. That just defies everything I thought I knew about anything. Hey if Cartman and Kenny can be on a date maybe I can fly now! FINALLY!" Kyle rested back on the balls of his feet for a few seconds before he broke out into his victory dance.

"Uh! Uh! Superman! Try to stop me now!"

Stan watched Kyle cabbage patch mesmerized as to how he could make such a spectacle of himself without any obvious shame but eventually broke focus when Kyle went into his moonwalk.

"Kyle. Kyle." Stan shook Kyle's shoulder. "I love you but if you moonwalk one more time I think I'm going to leave you for that guy three spots behind us. Pretty girlfriend though, might be hard to get."

Kyle stopped abruptly and scoffed at Stan.

"Yeah right." Kyle said.

"Yeah, right." Stan said back and out of habit bent forward to almost kiss Kyle on the forehead. He reclined backwards when he remembered what Kyle had mentioned earlier.

"Wait. Cartman and Kenny are dating?"

"Well, that's what it looks like." Kyle shrugged nonchalantly and shuffled closer to Stan. Stan smiled; he wondered if Kyle even really registered how close he was to him right now. If so he was a damn good actor. Stan didn't know anyone who could play "calm" that perfectly.

"But isn't he with Butters?"

"Guess not. I don't think Kenny even went out without Butters. If not Butters he was with us or something. We were his last resorts." Kyle paused to point a finger towards the front of the line. "And Cartman wasn't an option. Which leads me to believe they're either seeing each other or…found some kind of common ground. Fascinating." Kyle took mock pictures with his hands in the shape of a rectangle and his right index finger pressing down on the invisible flash button rapidly.

Stan smiled again. Kyle was really different out of his house and on an actual date. His carnal desires replaced by his being oddball funny and cute in a completely nerdy way…he was so much more…_hot._ Stan tried to push away the thought. Just great the one time Kyle decides to stop being so aggressive with his passion is when Stan wanted him so bad he would willfully have a makeout session on the germ infested floor of the cinema.

"You're staring at me." Kyle said dully to Stan and stepped forward as the movie line moved along. Stan stepped up to join Kyle. Stan thought about wrapping his arm around Kyle's waist. He decided against it. By the time he was done arguing in his head with himself about whether or not he was going to kidnap Kyle back to his house he was already at the ticket counter.

"Good evening and welcome to Ciara's Cinema! I'm Paige, and what movie would you love to see tonight?"

Not Deadly Charm. "Two tickets for Deadly Charm please. Next showing." Stan slid the cash across the counter to Paige swiftly. She accepted it with the same amount of speed.

"Alrighty then!" Paige went rummaging through drawers unseen Stan assumed to find some change for his bills. He took advantage of her momentary business related distraction to really look at her. Paige had mid length recently brushed looking blonde hair with artificial stripes of maroon coursing through the strands vibrantly. Her face was soft, she had well worn dimples when she smiled and every curve of her face lead you to believe she had never had a sad day in her life. However she did have a few wrinkles that naturally came with laughing and smiling as you aged. She looked too old to be in highschool, Stan mused. Maybe Paige was working her way through college? Stan really couldn't see her being any older than 21.

Paige slid his change along with two tickets back across the counter.

"Thank you sir! Enjoy the movie magic!" Paige exclaimed as Stan lifted the change and tickets off the counter.

"Thank you too Paige." Stan smirked and walked towards the exit/"entrance" to the real theaters. He barely noticed Kyle beside him. He wondered what had made Kyle so quiet.

"Kyle?" He completely turned to his left to see Kyle looking back at him. Kyle's eyes looked more slanted and his nose looked a little flared. His fists were tightly bound up by his side. Oh. He was furious. Stan pre-winced, feeling either the physical pain or emotional pain he was about to suffer through already affecting him. Then, Kyle relaxed. His fists falling loose.

"I'm sorry I get so jealous. It's just; you were staring at her Stan. I saw you. Is that how you stare at me?"

"No! I was just being stupid. You know how I zone sometimes. Only Kyle gets my Kyle stares." Stan wanted to hit his head on the wall beside him. Kyle stares? That was the best adjective he could use to describe the way he looked at Kyle?

Kyle smiled and accepted it either way. That was all Stan really needed to see.

"Hey look Ken it's Capstan and Kylenille."

Ken? Since when did Cartman call Kenny Ken? Everyone was getting new nicknames tonight; Stan kept the realization to himself though. He was much more interested in what was happening right beside Cartman, a laughing Kenny. A really, really laughing Kenny.

The joke wasn't even that funny or funny at all. Stan couldn't tell he was too focused on Cartman and Kenny's newfound friendship. It baffled him.

"You guys watchin' Deadly Charm too?"

Kyle nodded. Stan nodded too.

"Cool. Free seating. Let's get some choice seats. I refuse to have to sit through this uncomfortable film without at least being comfortable in my seat."

Kenny only chuckled this time and followed Cartman into the theater. Stan trudged behind Kenny, holding onto Kyle's hand in the poorly lit theater as they traveled through the almost darkness to find some "choice seats" as Cartman had called them.

When they finally did the group sat down with a sigh of relief. Cartman took out various snacks from his bag and passed them down the line starting with Kenny and ending with Kyle.

"Dude how'd you even afford all of this?" Kyle asked Cartman with his mouth full of popcorn.

"Yeah, didn't you like have to blow all your money on the remote?" Kenny asked, curious.

Cartman dismissed their questions with a wave of his hand and a sound of disgust as if the question was extremely rude and personal.

"If you must know Kenny and Kyle I won a bet."

"Really?" Kyle pressed on. "Cool. What was it about?"

At that exact moment Stan could swear he saw his relationship with Kyle flash before his eyes. Because that's what happens when something awesome is about to end, it flashes before your eyes. He saw Kyle and him on Kyle's couch talking aimlessly leaving the TV in the background to drone on. He saw their 1st accidental kiss on the floor. He saw Kyle's jealous face when he was on the phone with Cartman. He saw Kyle saving him in Spanish class. He saw Kyle and him back in grade school with Kenny and Cartman by the bus stop, the 1st time he ever really noticed he liked Kyle's eyes.

And then he noticed his eye was on fire. His left eye to be exact.

And that he was now on the floor of the theater staring up at endless blackness which filled the theater's seemingly non-existent ceiling.

He soon recognized the pain in his left eye wasn't fire. It was a slow throbbing pain that echoed back through his eye. Stan accepted this pain gladly and he tried to will the World to stay just as it was right now forever. Stan didn't mind having a busted up eye, or being on the floor of a theater he was sure people had copulated on.

But Stan knew for sure he wasn't strong enough to take what had to come next.

What always came next when the person you loved the most, so much so that you would do anything to protect them so they wouldn't have to feel anything other than euphoric found out the truth.

Stan closed his eyes pretending he was a corpse. Over the sound of Kyle's anger blasting down at him on full force threatening to shake the cinema itself Stan could hear his heartbeat…and he was begging it to stop.


	15. Crowded

"Cartman?"

"Yeah?" Cartman replied as he sat down beside Kenny on the sidewalk outside the theater. Cartman and Kenny had escorted themselves out after Kyle started screaming his heart out at Stan during "Deadly Charm". It seemed only right. It was either that or explain themselves. You really couldn't explain screaming you could barely translate.

"You think they'll breakup?" Kenny asked quietly.

Cartman laughed. "No. Never."

"How could you know that for sure?" Kenny raised and lowered his shoulders trying to calm his own nerves. He had no backup plan for losing his boyfriend and his best friends in the same day.

"Because," Cartman took a deep breath like the next words coming out of his mouth were going to pain him immensely, "They really love each other. People in love they just don't give up. It's their most remarkable if not horribly annoying trait."

Then it was Kenny's turn to laugh. "I thought you liked people when they were desperate. Aren't people in love the easiest to exploit?"

Cartman shrugged. "Kenny, through years of exploiting I've learned something a lot of people don't even get when they're about to die. And that's when you're supposed to get….well everything."

"What is it?" Kenny scooted nearer to Cartman eager to hear the answer.

"It's that love can't be exploited. If you're so desperate for someone that you'd hurt yourself….then it's not love. It's obsession. Obsession can be exploited. Goddammit."

"What?" Kenny turned to look behind himself assuming someone Cartman didn't want to see had shown up at the theater.

"That speech would've ended better if I had of been smoking a cig. I could've thrown it down to the ground, gotten up, stomped it out and walked away. Who ends superior life lesson stories without doing something epic? Now it's just awkward."

Kenny felt his heart race. An insignificant change in the tempo of which his blood flowed throughout his body signifying that he was. He was. _Cartman_ was able to change the tempo in which his blood flowed throughout his body.

"Cartman can I ask you a personal question?" Kenny could feel the blood running to his cheeks. He still wasn't sure if he was embarrassed or anxious or nervous. It could've been all three. His emotions were all over the place tonight.

"Is it a real personal question? Or a personal question that you think's personal because it involves somethin' legal? I didn't do it Kenny."

Kenny chuckled and he felt his blood get hotter. Why Cartman? Kenny asked his body, Why Cartman and why now?

"It's a real personal question."

"Shoot." Cartman seemed transfixed by the cracks in the street. Kenny read on his face that his thoughts were already in motion. How did Cartman never lose himself in his own head?

"Have you ever been in love?" Kenny asked, "Or like with someone?"

Cartman winced and Kenny was afraid he'd asked the wrong question.

"I'm sorry! You don't have to tell me if you don't-"

"Yes." Cartman whispered through a partly closed mouth.

"What?" Kenny had to make sure he had heard Cartman correctly.

"Yes." Cartman answered again. "Her name was Wendy."

"Wait, her name was Wendy? Isn't her name _still_ Wendy?"

"Not since she changed it to Wen-Wen." Cartman winced again. "If you want to get in to this Kenny I'm only going to tell you the story once."

Usually, Kenny didn't want to force people to talk about their past if it was that hurtful to talk about. But tonight something in him just needed to know more about Cartman. It wanted to know everything.

"Just once?" Kenny used his "Please-or-I-might-die" voice.

"Alright." Cartman inhaled and that same something in Kenny was soothed by the fact Cartman was about to tell him what he wanted to hear.

"Do you remember when we used to hang out in 8th grade?"

Kenny pondered on it. He even scrunched up his face pushing his memories to the forefront of his mind. He un-scrunched his face dejectedly and an almost inaudible "No" came from his lips.

"That's because I spent pretty much every minute of every day with her Kenny. Thought I was in love. I thought _we_ were in love. Epic fail." Cartman laughed sadly.

Kenny rested his head on Cartman's shoulder. He knew it was too publicly intimate even for most straight couples. He wasn't even Cartman's boyfriend.

"What happened?" Kenny said while moving his chin so he could look up at Cartman as he talked. His breath hitched raggedly when Cartman stared down at him resting on his shoulder. It wasn't because he thought Cartman was about to violently push him off but because Cartman's eyes that were usually brown, vicious and shining with specks of golden honey (especially if he was in the right light) were that of a 5 year old who didn't get any presents for Christmas. It broke Kenny's heart. Evil, conniving, truth-bending, manipulative, sociopath tendencies having Eric Cartman's eyes were breaking Kenny's heart.

"One day, I got a call from Bebe."

"I hate her." Kenny muttered.

Cartman's chortle vibrated through his body causing Kenny's chin to rise up and come back down on Cartman's shoulder….hard.

"Ow." Kenny's voice was stoic for the expression.

"Sorry." Cartman said and continued with his story. "Bebe told me that Wendy wanted to break up. And that trying to get her back would be a waste of time."

"So did you try to get her back?"

"Hell yeah. But in the end it was still the same. She still didn't want me and I was still the jackass throwing rocks at her window at midnight. Her parents hated me."

Kenny broke into a silent smile.

"But one night when I was throwing rocks one of them ricocheted off the frame and hit me in the face. All I wanted was revenge. So I picked up some more rocks and broke the frame entirely."

Kenny broke into an even bigger smile.

"That's when I realized that I didn't "love" Wendy Testaburger. I was obsessed with her. Love isn't easily forgotten over a vendetta with a window frame."

There was a slap somewhere between the end of Cartman's story and the beginning of Kenny's affections for him.

Kenny pushed Butters away. How had he gotten so close to them without one of them noticing?

"Kenny! I came here to a-apologize! And here you are dating another GUY!"

Kenny balled his left hand into a fist. Cartman rose from the cement street and stood between Kenny and Butters.

"Butters, I suggest you leave."

"What are you gonna' do about it C-C-Cartman?" Butters looked pissed. Cartman was impressed, not only was this the 1st time Butters looked truly murderous but he was ready to fight.

"I'm going to call your parents. I have their number on speed dial."

"You're bluffin!" Butters drew his hand back preparing to strike.

Cartman calmly pulled his cellphone out of his pants pocket and pressed the number 3. He maneuvered his thumb over another button labeled "S" for speaker.

"Evening, this is the Stotch Residence! May I ask who is calling?"

Butters' jaw dropped and he stepped away from Cartman. Cartman pressed "End Call".

"Butters. Leave. Now."

Butters with tears rolling down his cheeks screamed over Cartman.

"I hate you Kenny McCormick!"

Butters ran back down the sidewalk tripping and stumbling.

Cartman felt something warm around his waist. He looked down to see Kenny's arms.

"Thank you. I would've hurt him Cartman. Just because he got a little jealous."

"You did hurt him. He loves you."

"I know." Kenny tightened his grip around Cartman. "But I don't think I-"

"Kenny, you either love someone or you don't." Cartman sounded cold.

Kenny wanted to un-wrap his arms. He couldn't think of a good reason to keep them around Cartman any longer other than the weather, it was ridiculously cold. But Kenny was wearing a hoodie.

Kyle stomping out of the theater made up his mind for him. Kenny quickly put his hands in his pocket.

Kyle stopped short of the street and turned to look at Cartman and Kenny with pure disdain.

Kyle pointed at Kenny. "How could you?"

Kyle then pointed at Cartman. "I've **always** hated you."

Cartman chuckled, "Love you too Kyle."

"Cartman, I hope you choke on a Cheesy Poof and die. Kenny, I'm pretty sure you still don't know or else you wouldn't be out here with….him."

"Know what?" Kenny asked curiously.

"Stan told me that Cartman made him a list of how to flirt with me. Cartman doesn't have emotions. I wonder how he came up with it?"

Kenny's eyes widened in sick realization as he turned to Cartman, "You used me? You had me make you a list of how "your friend" could win over someone he liked just so you could win a bet? And on top of that it was **Stan **and **Kyle?** You know how I feel about friends dating!"

Kenny who had previously had his arms locked around Cartman felt the sting of the hypocritical bile he was puking all over the place right now.

"This is SO r-tarded." Cartman sighed. "Kyle what the hell? You're seriously angry at me because Stan was so in love with you he was willing to let me help him get you? And Kenny seriously? You dated Butters, wasn't Butters your friend before you two hooked up? I don't remember you two meeting in a club and it going from there. The bet has NOTHING to do with this. Kyle you're insecure because now you think Stan only wants you for your body because Stan wasn't brave enough to woo you on his own. Has Stan even touched you? Once?"

Kyle kept his eyes on the sidewalk. "No."

"Know why? Because he really loves you. He's just an idiot."

"Don't call Stan an idiot!" Kyle's defenses were up as he hastily rolled up his sleeves.

Cartman rolled his eyes. "I'm going home."

Kenny scoffed. "What? You can't just leave-"

"I'm….going….home." Cartman made sure to enunciate as he made his departure.

Kyle rolled his sleeves back down and sunk to the sidewalk with his face in his palms.

"Oh my God. I hit Stan."

As Kyle began to sob Kenny forgot his idea of catching up with Cartman. Kenny slid down beside Kyle and put his arm around his back.

"Just apologize. I'm pretty sure Stan would get it."

"No Kenny! I hurt him. I really hurt him. I didn't even mean to." Kyle's sobs got louder and Kenny was beginning to get embarrassed. He saw Stan coming out of the theater with one hand over his left eye. Kenny signaled to Stan to come over and take his place.

Kenny shuffled away from Kyle and within seconds Stan's arm had taken Kenny's place around Kyle's back.

Kenny started to jog down the street hoping to find Cartman before he got home.

Stan whispered into Kyle's ear. "I'm sorry Kylie."

Kyle continued to sob. He managed to get some words out in between. "Do you hate….me?"

Stan smiled sweetly. "Kyle, I love you. And your left hook."

Kyle sob-laughed. "Stannie." Kyle raised his head and wrapped his left arm around Stan's waist pulling himself into Stan's lap.

Stan brushed through Kyle's hair with his one free hand as the sounds of the theater radiated through the air, oooh's at surprise plot twists and awww's at completely unrealistic happy endings, the sky had vague stars scattered here, there and everywhere.

And for a reason Stan couldn't grasp himself he quietly thanked Eric Cartman for that exact moment.


	16. Days & Nights

Cartman slowly walked the night streets, thinking about Stan, Kyle and Kenny.

Especially Kenny.

Cartman thought that he and Kenny had gotten somewhere tonight. That conversation about love and Butter....s. That maybe he and Kenny could be....friends? What _was_ he expecting of Kenny?

And why was he still thinking about this?

"Why am I thinking about this?" Cartman stated out loud. Every step he took on the beige-grayish cement felt heavier and heavier. As if his own thoughts were weighing him down.

"Why do I care so MUCH?" Something in Cartman was upset by his own weakness. He truly didn't understand his own emotions. The one matter he worked so hard to control and manipulate in others. Yet, he couldn't even contain his own.

Cartman did what any other teenage boy who was just in an argument with his best friends would do.

He inched his way home. He kicked the rocks in his path.

He talked to himself like a madman and waved to the strangers in their cars who stared at him curiously. They usually sped up and drove away. He couldn't care less.

People considering him insane was the least of his concerns.

"Why do I care?"

"Because. You acted like a bastard." Kenny's answer to Cartman's rhetorical question came out jagged, as he panted for breath behind Cartman.

"What are you gonna' do? Yell at me? Beat me up?" Cartman continued on his way home, answering Kenny halfheartedly. He was in no mood for conflict, not right now. Not tonight.

Something was very wrong in Cartman World. And until Cartman figured it out, there would be no pointless bickering, name calling or bruises.

Cartman was never one for bruises anyways.

Kenny jogged a little in front of Cartman. Cartman with his head down failed to notice.

Until he bumped into Kenny.

"Hey! What the-If you're not going to DO something just let me go home Ken. Seriously. I don't feel like talking about it."

Cartman felt something dry and light on his lips. Cartman cringed when he saw Kenny hesitantly pull his lips from Cartman's.

"I don't feel like talking either." Kenny said. He stood in the night resilient, staring at Cartman, not flinching. Not at all.

".....Why?" Was all Cartman muttered after a minute or two of awkward silence. He shuffled from left to right ungracefully. He was disheveled after Kenny's kiss. That's all it took, one kiss from Kenny and Cartman was somewhere else. He was no longer worrying about what Stan and Kyle would think about him in the morning.

He really didn't care if they died.

All he could see was Kenny McCormick, breathing heavily in front of him. Kenny's eyes were widened, like he was the one who just got kissed.

"Why?" Kenny paused before he completed his answer. He ran one of his hands through his hair thoughtlessly. "Because....because....You're the same guy who threw rocks at Wendy's house at midnight to try to win her back. Who does _that_ anymore Cartman?"

Cartman listened to Kenny's words intently, not showing any signs of reaction from them. He simply looked at Kenny and at Kenny's mouth, watching the words tumble out again and again.

"And because you're the same guy who bet _for_ Kyle and Stan getting together. Because. You. You're. You're....you Eric Cartman. I don't know. Because the sky is green and pigs can fly. Why would you ask me why?" Kenny started to laugh, his previously open and surprised eyes had become full of laughter and joy. Kenny smiled openly at Cartman.

"I don't know why, Eric. I don't care why. Do you? Do you really care why?"

"It's all I've ever cared about Kenny." Cartman smiled a weak smile, empty of the joy Kenny felt at that moment. "And really, if you don't know why. Then you shouldn't _do._"

Cartman brushed past Kenny, with his head down and his mind re-focused on getting home.

Until Kenny reappeared in front of him once again, blocking his way.

"Goddammit Kenny what is it this time?"

"Because I want to try." Kenny threw out the words like a lifeline. His last lifeline. The tone in his voice suggested impeding doom if Cartman chose to ignore him.

"Try me? I recommend someone less....disgusting. Trying me would make you the kid who wanted strawberries and batteries in his ice cream instead of vanilla and sprinkles." Cartman shrugged. "That would make you the weird kid for about a year."

Kenny let out a laugh, he couldn't help it. Cartman could make him smile and he did it without even trying.

"See?" Kenny pointed at Cartman. "It's that. When you do things like that. That's what makes me want to try strawberries and batteries. You make me want. Weird things." Kenny grinned.

"And it's when you do that...." Cartman felt a surge of something in his stomach when Kenny stood there, surrounded by night and yet he was positively glowing. Everything about Kenny was so damn happy. Maybe it was because he wanted to piss off Kyle even more. Maybe it was because Cartman was bored. But for whatever reason, Cartman was going along with Kenny on this one.

"When you do that Kenny, I feel...."

Cartman leaned forward and pressed his lips on Kenny's. Kenny didn't step down.

And they stood there, not in an embrace of any sort.

Just two boys, standing on a cement sidewalk, nonchalantly pressing their lips onto one another.

Cartman leaned back into place. He simpered.

"When you figure out that I'm just your rebound for Butters, just call me okay? We don't need any of that face-to-face breaking up shit. Even better, get Bebe to deliver the news via my phone."

Kenny punched Cartman lightly in the arm. "And once you figure out that strawberries and batteries are delicious, give me a call."

"Until then?" Cartman asked quietly.

"Until then. We can just. Exist? Like this." Kenny sighed. "By the way, if you're strawberries and batteries....what am I?"

Cartman took hold of Kenny's hands with his and pulled him closer.

"A stupid boy in a stupid hoodie on a stupid street in the middle of the stupid night talking about strawberries and fucking batteries. Ever heard of a metaphor, genius?"

Kenny absolutely beamed.

Cartman beamed back. An all consuming beam that made him tingle all over.

This was a very different emotion for Eric Cartman.

One he planned on exploring more, with his best friend Kenny McCormick. Preferably not on public sidewalks. But definitely at night.

Somewhere even further away from Cartman and Kenny, were another pair of boys partially clothed and lovingly wrapped in each other's arms. They were in a warm bed, Stan had his arm around Kyle, he cradled his body from behind forming a kind of shadow over Kyle.

"You know Stan?"

"You love me?" Stan cradled Kyle closer.

"No. I mean, yes." Kyle caught up to his own train of thought. "This, we probably wouldn't even be here right now if it weren't for Cartman. I mean, you didn't really wanna' ask me out right? You thought I wouldn't want you."

The way Kyle phrased it made Stan flinch in remembrance.

"So....you wanna' thank him?" Stan's now black and purple eye disagreed with Kyle's subtle praising of Cartman immensely.

"No. He's still a bastard. Besides, if we thank him who knows what he'll think that gives him permission to do?" Kyle's language was venomous.

"I love you Kyle. I really, really, really do." Stan snuggled into Kyle's neck. He kissed it gently, making Kyle's skin feel electric with the kisses.

"I wouldn't doubt it for a second. Now, who tells the parents first?" Kyle said.

"Dude aren't your parents coming back in the morning?"

"Yep."

Stan shivered. "Okay. You first."

Kyle scoffed. "No way."

"I bet your parents totally go with it." Stan nodded, agreeing with himself. The motion sent a network of sensation down Kyle's spine.

"Haven't you had enough of bets, Stan Marsh?"

"Never." Stan smiled as his consciousness faded. He wondered briefly if you were still allowed to dream if you held everything you ever wanted in your arms as you slept.

He'd find out the answer in the morning.

Kyle wondered too about dreams. He wondered if he would have Stan forever. If one day, every night they would go to sleep together, just like this.

Kyle finally closed his eyes while a smile lingered on his face.

He knew he'd find out the answer in the morning.

And every morning after that, because Stan Marsh _would_ be with him.

He didn't doubt it for a second.


End file.
